Correction Brings New Revelation

bd64da9bacb5e4d939295ef3f2899cb7_origWhen I started saying the Ho’oponopono prayer, I felt so much resistance towards it, particularly surrounding the statement, “I am sorry”. It wasn’t that I had an issue apologizing and taking ownership for anything that I did. Ownership is important for growth. But I did not want to say “I am sorry” for what I believed to be “other people’s stuff”. However, the more I began to say the prayer, I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry, I began to see the way something in my own consciousness had led to the confusion and suffering I had experienced in my own life.

I found myself, repeatedly saying sorry to myself and asking myself for forgiveness, saying thank you, and then feeling a love within myself and around myself come forth. Bit by bit I saw more that I wanted to take ownership of and forgive myself for that I had not. Bit by bit I began to feel liberated from burdens I was not even aware I was carrying. I began to feel lighter, freer. I said sorry for not honoring myself, the fruits of that demonstrated through allowing others to disregard and dishonor me, my time, and my boundaries. I said sorry for saying yes when I wanted to say no, the byproduct of this non-alignment being a resentful and regretful yes when I could have had a self-honoring and authentic no. I said sorry for not listening to my own inner voice, my heart, which manifested in the feeling of betrayal, disloyalty, and abandonment in familial relationships. I took ownership of my headaches, the result of a spiritual blockage around my own fear of abuse of my beauty and spiritual gifts.

When I began this process, I had resistance around taking ownership of what I believed to be “other people’s stuff.” Owning my stuff was easy. Owning my reactions was easy. Now I know that I am responsible for everything. This, for me, is a chilling and liberating experience. It means that I have the power to choose, at any moment, to change what shows up in my life and how I show up in my life. In addition, it allows me to truly see who and how I am. Knowing that I am responsible for everything allows me to look at what shows up in my life as a mirror of my own consciousness. This means that my thoughts, my feelings, my words, my beliefs, are all creating and manifesting something in my life whether I was aware of it or not. Knowing that I am responsible for everything allows me see exactly what is in me that is creating the energy to manifest my circumstances, and if I choose, to create something else.



I Like Myself

I decided I want to like myself, so that I can love myself. Over the years, I stopped liking myself because I did not like the person I became. I lost vision of the kind of person I like and the kind of person I want to be.

The kind of person I like is a woman who advocates for herself regardless of the status the person holds. The kind of person I like is a woman who works out daily. She eats well. She takes care of her skin and her hair. The kind of person I like is a woman who respects herself and is kind to herself. She treats others with respect. The person I like speaks with authority, knowing her value and her worth. She is confident in who she is. The person I like works towards her goals. She spends less time sulking in her bedroom and more time grounding, strengthening her core self. The person I like spends less time concerned with what others think of her and more time on how she feels and what she thinks.

I lost vision. I lost motivation and sense of purpose. But I am back. My focus is on creating a life I am pleased with and being a person I can honestly say I like.

The Struggle To Be Real

Everyday I struggle to be true to myself. My favorite quote is “to thine own self be true”. I try to live my life by this quote. What this means to me is to always be insincere, always tell the truth, always be my authentic, genuine self, never lying and trying to conceal the truth even if for a moment it hurts.

Sometimes, at work, I have a hard time with realness. I want to tell the whole truth and to ensure that I am continuously living my truth. I want to be completely grounded in who I am. But sometimes, I mess up. I get shy. I do this around my boyfriend’s friends and family as well. I get scared. I offer myself compassion in these moments. But sometimes, I wonder, what is it I am expecting myself to do?

Recently, I was talking to my travel nurse friend. Every time I talk to her she often gets the feeling that nursing is not what I am suppose to do. I believed that too. That maybe what I really should be is a writer. Or just doing something else in general. But it occurred to me that the feeling of inadequacy I often feel isn’t really related to hating nursing directly. It’s related to a feeling of lacking purpose. It’s related to a feeling of not having a good spiritual foundation right now from which to draw strength.

All my life I have felt like an outsider. All my life I have felt disconnected. Trying to belong only made me feel lonelier. But I still tried. Part of those feelings were attributed to that constant belief that maybe I am inadequate or not good enough. Part of those feelings come from feeling a disconnect from God. I need a spiritual practice. A good foundation.

Let Me Get Secure In Peace

Dear People,

Dear World,

Dear…You Know Who You Are,

If someone comes off as insecure to you, give them some space. They might be working on it. There’s a lot of people in this world who act like sharks. They smell blood and they go in for the kill. Now, I like animals. But some animals I’d rather keep at a distance. Some animals belong behind a glass in the aquarium. Or in the ocean. Some animals belong in natural history museums. Some…may even qualify to be put on a plate next to some rice and broccoli. I’m just saying, salmon is delicious. So is shark. But let’s be honest: many of these animals do not belong in the work place. Unless of course you work in any of the aforementioned places. In which case I’m sure they have a barrier big enough to withstand you. Most work places would rather you not venture beyond your barrier though.  So like…stay there. Or lay yourself on some sides and take a break.




Tell The Truth: Shame

My experience at Catholic University of America was full of pain. I was hurting. I’ve talked extensively about all of the things I felt was done to me there but I did not talk about the things I was ashamed of. One of the things I felt shame over was that in Philosophy and theology class, I would often challenge the professors and their teachings. I was very outspoken about what I felt was wrong because what I believed college to be was a place to genuinely and authentically learn. And that is what I was trying to do.

I feel ashamed because in many ways I don’t think those classes was a place for me to learn authentically. They were also seemingly low energy. I felt ashamed because I was a naturally enthusiastic and passionate person and they were…dead…to me. They couldn’t function without coffee, they couldn’t open up unless drunk. I think I felt ashamed to be so open and happy and positive and passionate about my studies when the rest of the people I met were not. Or did not seem to be. The world there was too small for me. Speaking from the heart here. I really hated my time there.

I understand now that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I actually really cared about the content of the course and challenged the information and the teachers because I truly wanted to learn more. I was genuinely intrigued. And even though others might have an opinion about me that is not favorable, I don’t have to feel that it is indeed true for me. It’s about them. It’s about their expectations of me, which I don’t have to fulfill. It’s about what they think about themselves and the expectations they try to place on others and the world around them.

I don’t have to be afraid of the truth of myself. I don’t have to worry so much about every demeaning eye roll because someone wanted to convey a message. The truth of who I really am is stronger than that. For one: I did not die at Catholic University. 2. My ex boyfriend’s friends and family did not kill me. 3. I survived a horrible first clinical experience and got myself out.

Honestly, if it’s one thing I can say about myself it’s that I always always always speak the truth. And that’s what I think saves me every time.

Processing the Unprocessed: College Sucked

I didn’t do anything wrong. I know I need to let myself off the hook. It can be so hard to trust your heart again when it didn’t seem to give any indication that I was going to get hurt by the choices I made. I gave as much as I could.

The events that surround that time reinforced the idea that I was not good enough. And everything that came after that time was me hiding because I didn’t want the world to see and reaffirm that I wasn’t good enough too.

America is a racist entity. It is also a sexist entity. And if you vow to be different, if you say to yourself that you are not going to tow the line, that you will, with an open heart, do a new thing, there often will be backlash. Sometimes even the people who look like you, in your times of need, will be unwilling to offer you comfort and instead say, “I told you so” and imply that you were or are wrong when you really are in fact blameless. And it hurts.

Right now, I feel like Job in the bible. When you trust your heart and you keep God in your thoughts and attempt to be the light and you still get hurt or wind up with others seemingly rejoicing in your misfortune, or avoiding you when in pain, it can hurt. Sometimes you want compassion and comfort. Sometimes you want others to acknowledge that you are, in fact, blameless. Vindication would have been nice. But sometimes vindication takes a long, long, time.

Maybe one day I’ll write a book. And in it I’ll talk about the black people in my life who judged me (because they want to acknowledge the truth) and everybody else who didn’t want to acknowledge my feelings were valid. My feelings are still valid. My heart is broken, but I want to be healed.

I’ve been sitting with my pain. In college, I was in a theology class where the professor talked about how the Catholic church is the one true church and how the Catholic church has never changed. I challenged this belief. I wanted people to wake up. Maybe this was not the setting to do it. But I was passionate about this topic and appalled by the indoctrination of it all. My classmates completely disagreed and argued that that Catholic church has never ever changed. How could they not see it? What broke my heart most of all was that they honestly believed I was wrong, despite all the evidence, despite everything the professor had said in class about how the church changed their views and have become more inclusive, etc, they still felt I was wrong. All I could think was, “was nobody listening in class? Am I crazy?” But they were damn sure I was wrong and really set out to prove it and did not want to talk to me much afterwards. Oh well.

I remember nursing school. Sitting in the back of the class all alone. Not really understanding whiteness and why it is they were so clique-ish and unconcerned about inclusivity. I remember the first month approaching a white female in my class and trying to engage her in conversation. She power walked away from me like i didnt exist. She clearly did not want to talk to me. I remember wanting to join a dance club to salsa dancing and hearing, “we don’t have salsa dancing here but we do have urban dancing, your people seem to like that.”

I was angry at that comment because who is this white person that decided what a group of people, an entire population like? And I use to make jokes about painful events like this. But it hurt me so much that I wasn’t able to laugh or make a humorous piece on the crazy that is upper middle class white America and the people who cater to them.

I think I will write a piece on just that on day.

Multiculturalism Within The Self

All my life I have been trying to find some type of rule book by which to live by, that feel right and create a sense of belonging in my soul. And now I realize that there really aren’t any rules.

All my life, I have heard my family make comments and statements about Americans. Wanting to fit in, I think I decided to reject Americanism and its values, all while carrying several American values. I made myself a walking paradox. I didn’t realize this at the time, but the same rejection I openly expressed, was also an open rejection of my own self.

When I asked the question, ‘what’s wrong with me?’ I realize that the answer was in the objective view of the question. What’s wrong with me is that I think there’s something wrong with me. I embody a culture that for so long I worked so hard to deny. In doing so, I denied myself. And I made myself look foolish and dissected myself by lacking that true appreciation for a big chunk of a culture that allows me to be a great reflection of my true self. I understand now that part of my own internal struggles has been a result of the warring cultures within myself. Instead of embracing both sides as part of the tapestry that makes me who I am, I often placed them in conflict with one another. But I am both (or all three…depending on how you look at it).

The irony of this is that while I have always said that I don’t think one culture is better than any one, only different. My behavior and rejection of American values despite reflecting many of those same values has communicated that I really think one is better than the other.

Opening my heart to the realization that I am American, Trinidadian and Tobagonian, as well as Guyanese, and learning to embrace all the beauty that comes with each aspect of said culture is giving me have a better understanding of who I am.