Any Day But Sunday: Surrender

Lately, I’ve just felt like being by myself and doing things alone. My family keeps telling me I isolate myself a lot, that I need to get out and meet people and do things. I kind of disagree with them. I meet a lot of people. But my soul doesn’t long to interact with many of them. I was looking through my National Geographic travel magazine recently and I saw all these beautiful places to visit. I think I would’ve liked to have gone to those places with “him”. But I probably might have never gone with him. He was more focused on money and finances and building his “empire” than he was interested in going anywhere with me.

I think in a way I really did hold myself back to be with him. I wanted to spread my wings and fly, to go places, to live with him, to be completely free and yes, I still wanted to acquire money. But I wanted to explore. I wanted him to be my partner in travel, in explorations. But he kept counting pennies. The few vacations we did take, he often spent it deep within himself wallowing in self-pity. I spent the first year of our reunion nursing his insecurities. Everything from the things his mom and friends said about us, to his own personal feelings of inadequacy. I had to keep reminding him that it was okay to be himself, to cry, to express emotions. I had to keep reminding him that I accepted him for who he was, that I didn’t care about the length of his “member”, and things of that nature. I spent that entire year trying to make him feel good about himself and at times hitting my breaking point and offering the “break up” option. Sometimes it just all became too much because I felt like I was carrying the relationship, was more invested, and like he couldn’t stop thinking about himself long enough to let go. I thought we got past all of that and were making strides towards more unity.

The last time I spoke to him he said, “I know you. You want answers.” But he didn’t give me any stating that he was through talking about the past. I wish he read this blog so that I could tell him that I’m through trying to coax the answers out of him. In many ways, no answer he ever gave me would suffice. It never really did because I don’t he ever really knew what he was doing. I realized that much the same way he cut all ties with me, I did the same our first time around the block. This time around, I didn’t like the way societal pressure took hold of me. I needed to talk, honestly, about my feelings on marriage and children and my lack of strong desire to have either. I needed to go back into myself and to reconnect with the Divine, to find my reason for being here and what my passions are.

So today, on a Sunday, I’m left feeling everything, processing everything, and just embracing the stability that comes from a balanced chakra, the loss of panic attacks and the comfort to sleep in my house, at night, alone (I couldn’t do that before). I’m embracing the peace that comes from knowing who I am, accepting it, and rediscovering and embracing my gifts. I tried, for four years, to “get over you”. I tried so hard to run from you and you still found me, just at the moment I accepted that I will always love you, though never have the opportunity to reunite. You said that you’ve accepted that I’ll always have a place in your heart but you needed to end it. I still see this as a Divine connection. Despite your desire to end the constant cycle of makes up and break ups, I still feel deep inside that there was more to this than just “us”. I know now that this connection isn’t just a relationship between a man and a woman. Whatever “this” is, it’s strong. And I’m not running from it anymore. I’ve feared going crazy while running from it. And I guess I’m at the point of surrender. While you work to get over me, to experience your change of pace, I think I’ll work to keep growing and to find fulfillment in this life even without you.

I’m in a state of surrender.

I Love You

Most days when I think of you,

I find it odd you love me too.

And yet deep inside,

I know you do.

I know you love me.

I love you too.

I fall asleep and dream of you.

You talk to me.

You hug me too.

We make love at night

And cuddle in the morning.

I know you love me.

I love you too.

I use to hide it in the past.

But seeing you again,

That could not last.

My soul knows it.

It cannot lie.

I know you love me.

I love you too.

Self-Acceptance

Allowing myself to reconnect with myself has been good for me. I feel as though I’ve begun to find my voice, to believe in myself, and to find that love and joy in myself again. I’ve accepted that I don’t have to have “the perfect life” in order to keep on growing. I don’t have to have everything worked out perfectly and well understood in the third dimension in order to move forward. I spent a few years chasing my own tail trying to do just that. I was so overwhelmed. But I know now that that’s not necessary. The lonely birds have left me taking with it the belief that companionship was the sole purpose for relationships. At work, I am more comfortable sitting in a corner and reading or finding a nice quiet spot to google things I’m interested in. Tomorrow, I might take myself to a movie.

From the age of 19 to now, I have sought outside sources for information because I just could not accept that everything I needed was inside of myself. I had a very hard time accepting that spiritual experience and encounter with the Divine. Despite all of the signs that pushed me to look inward, it just seemed as though so much of this world was geared towards looking outwards, uniformity, and finding beliefs that “fit” with the rest. I was more immature then and was very afraid of going crazy or seeming crazy. I went to counseling to receive validation on my sanity. This then led to me joining forums and later speaking with psychics. I just wanted them to confirm my experiences for me. If my experiences weren’t confirmed, then I’d begin to doubt them. I did this with my partner, with my spiritual encounter with the Divine, with all sort of signs and synchronicities that I experienced in my life. I wanted them to conform to some sort of collective reality because then I wouldn’t feel so different. It took me a few years but finally I think I can accept my differences.

I finally accept that the information I seek exists within me. I accept that the best validation I can ever receive is the one that I give to myself. I accept that my life and my experiences will not be interpreted the same way by others and that I am a unique being (though still a part of the larger whole). I’ve finally accepted this and it’s opened a whole new world for me to explore within myself. I’m very grateful.

Clairsentience

Sooo my clairsentient abilities has begun to return to me as well. I started noticing it in my dreams when I could feel and sense exactly what my partner was feeling and know exactly what he was trying to say without him saying it. In addition, we were intimate in the dream and I could feel all the energy that we were exchanging. It was amazing. I know this all goes back to the concept of trusting myself and I remember a few years ago I had shut it all down because I didn’t like all the information I was receiving. I thought i was going crazy because no one around me was experiencing it. I developed anxiety during this time and just didn’t know how to handle all that was going on. I’d feel surges of energy in my crown area that rushed down my spine and almost caused me to pass out on the road several times while driving. It took a lot of strength of will to get to class safely back then. Plus, I started seeing things, hearing voices, having other out of body experiences and the information I found online wasn’t comforting at all. I use to pray to God all through my teen years that I would accept any spiritual gift I had, but don’t let me “see” spirits. Never spirits. And then I started seeing spirits. It just became too much for me so I shut it all down to focus solely on my 5 practical senses, the ones everyone could relate to.

Now I guess it’s all returning and I’m okay with that. I’m willing to work with myself and with my guardian angel to make this a smoother process. No more running, no more hiding, no more googling information to try and ensure I’m going in the “right” direction or that my experiences are like “the others”. This is a process for me to undertake, a very personal one, and something that requires I go at my own pace and do this in my own way. I can feel my heart stirring again. I feel very happy to be back on track.

Work Place Realizations

I’ve been wanting to write for the last two days but work demanded that I give it my undivided attention. In between confused and rude patients and family members, being Resource Nurse, helpful as well as crude managers, patient falls, and just being downright tired, I just couldn’t get back to writing. Nevertheless, this blog has been on my mind for the last two days.

Yesterday, at work, I realized that my coworkers talk about me and very seldom do they have very positive things to say. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised because they talk about everyone. If they gossip about everyone else, why should I be an exception? I remember I use to ask them whenever they gossiped to me about someone else, “What do you think about me then?” but very seldom do they say anything to me directly. They think I’m nice. But I know the fact that I’m always so laid back and smiling makes them feel like they can’t tell when I’m being serious or struggling. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I’ll leave bedside nursing soon enough.

If I remember correctly, this was one of the reasons why I chose to shut down my clairsentient and claircognizant abilities a few years back. I didn’t want to deal with all of that discomfort. Nothing’s more uncomfortable than knowing something and feeling something and having people completely deny it or act like it’s not really the case. It use to make me feel like I was crazy or just completely insecure. But I promised myself to trust myself whole-heartedly. And a big part of that is learning to do so even when it’s uncomfortable. So this is what I’ve been picking up at work in the last few days.

Dreams

I had a dream in which I was walking on a hill that overlooked a beach. While there, I saw my twin and sought to avoid him so as to not make the experience uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I gave in and while walking away from the beach, I texted him to tell him I saw him. He was pleasant. But the conversation was brief and very symbolic. He said that he had been going to a gym and that he has found that he can create an energetic space in himself in order to experience joy and peace and love. He said that everything is love and ended it with drawing a picture that in the end formed the shape of the letter “U”. As I looked up, I saw I was walking towards a building with someone who said, “Okay, I’ll let you go now” and I noticed that I had been handcuffed to this building and the chains were long enough for me to walk on the beach but not escape the beach or the hill. I laughed, entered the building, and woke up.

Coming Clean

For the last few years, I’ve been going through this period where I haven’t wanted to spend time with anybody. I’ve been very solitary, more so than I’ve been in the years prior. Lately, it’s just this need to clean house, to give things away, to just…be. I’ve apologized for turning down invitations to hang out. I hope I didn’t come off as rude. The only person I’ve wanted to hang out with in the past was my ex but I think that’s because we had a special connection of some sort. Now that he’s gone (and now that I’ve accepted that he’s gone) I just want to spend my days focusing on personal development.

I feel like there’s nothing “back there” for me anymore. All I want is to focus on right now, on where I am and where I want to go and I just keep wanting to clean house, to give things away, to start anew. I’m sure many people will say that this is part of the break up process. Maybe it is. Reason it how you want. I just…need to get out of who I’ve been.