Lately, I’ve just felt like being by myself and doing things alone. My family keeps telling me I isolate myself a lot, that I need to get out and meet people and do things. I kind of disagree with them. I meet a lot of people. But my soul doesn’t long to interact with many of them. I was looking through my National Geographic travel magazine recently and I saw all these beautiful places to visit. I think I would’ve liked to have gone to those places with “him”. But I probably might have never gone with him. He was more focused on money and finances and building his “empire” than he was interested in going anywhere with me.
I think in a way I really did hold myself back to be with him. I wanted to spread my wings and fly, to go places, to live with him, to be completely free and yes, I still wanted to acquire money. But I wanted to explore. I wanted him to be my partner in travel, in explorations. But he kept counting pennies. The few vacations we did take, he often spent it deep within himself wallowing in self-pity. I spent the first year of our reunion nursing his insecurities. Everything from the things his mom and friends said about us, to his own personal feelings of inadequacy. I had to keep reminding him that it was okay to be himself, to cry, to express emotions. I had to keep reminding him that I accepted him for who he was, that I didn’t care about the length of his “member”, and things of that nature. I spent that entire year trying to make him feel good about himself and at times hitting my breaking point and offering the “break up” option. Sometimes it just all became too much because I felt like I was carrying the relationship, was more invested, and like he couldn’t stop thinking about himself long enough to let go. I thought we got past all of that and were making strides towards more unity.
The last time I spoke to him he said, “I know you. You want answers.” But he didn’t give me any stating that he was through talking about the past. I wish he read this blog so that I could tell him that I’m through trying to coax the answers out of him. In many ways, no answer he ever gave me would suffice. It never really did because I don’t he ever really knew what he was doing. I realized that much the same way he cut all ties with me, I did the same our first time around the block. This time around, I didn’t like the way societal pressure took hold of me. I needed to talk, honestly, about my feelings on marriage and children and my lack of strong desire to have either. I needed to go back into myself and to reconnect with the Divine, to find my reason for being here and what my passions are.
So today, on a Sunday, I’m left feeling everything, processing everything, and just embracing the stability that comes from a balanced chakra, the loss of panic attacks and the comfort to sleep in my house, at night, alone (I couldn’t do that before). I’m embracing the peace that comes from knowing who I am, accepting it, and rediscovering and embracing my gifts. I tried, for four years, to “get over you”. I tried so hard to run from you and you still found me, just at the moment I accepted that I will always love you, though never have the opportunity to reunite. You said that you’ve accepted that I’ll always have a place in your heart but you needed to end it. I still see this as a Divine connection. Despite your desire to end the constant cycle of makes up and break ups, I still feel deep inside that there was more to this than just “us”. I know now that this connection isn’t just a relationship between a man and a woman. Whatever “this” is, it’s strong. And I’m not running from it anymore. I’ve feared going crazy while running from it. And I guess I’m at the point of surrender. While you work to get over me, to experience your change of pace, I think I’ll work to keep growing and to find fulfillment in this life even without you.
I’m in a state of surrender.