“If you don’t like the roads you’re walking, start paving another one.” – Taken from Be Like Water Production
I hope I have the courage to take the next step. Many times I start things full of enthusiasm and end up losing steam coming close to the end. I’ve been taking stock of my life lately. I have a lot of things on my mental “to do list” that I haven’t been very proactive with. It’s not that it’s “hard”. I don’t exactly believe in “hard”. It’s that I’ve been lazy. It’s that I haven’t taken initiative. It’s that I’ve been preoccupied with things that do not matter. But as another saying goes, “A year from now, you will have wished you started today.” That’s how I’m feeling now. Like I should have started a year ago. But you know what? Today is a new day and I am building my own road now.
It’s occurred to me that out of all the virtues, the greatest virtue of all is courage. That’s what’s been crossing my mind whenever I feel discouraged, or overwhelmed, or afraid. That the greatest virtue of all is courage because without it, we can’t carry out the other virtues. I know this saying has been said on numerous occasions. But it’s called to my mind in those moments when I feel afraid. “Courage, c-nite. Have courage.”
Today is a new day!
I’ve been reading Keni Styles’ Blog and for some reason he’s become my sexual/romantic hero. lol I think the reason for this is because he’s a man who has had sex with women of all races and never once takes into consideration his penis size or race, especially in a society that can’t seem to get out of race and penis size. He doesn’t consider race when it comes to his romantic/sexual choices and I love that about him! I think my favorite quote from him so far as been, “The whole size issue is ridiculous. You don’t fuck someone with your dick, you fuck someone with your whole body…” I think it’s a message of passion and presence and I appreciate that message.
Anyways, I’m starting to see the images people try to project onto me all the time. It’s kind of interesting, really. It’s also kind of shitty. Because I’d like to just be. But many times those projections can be quite annoying, which is why I stopped asking people about their perceptions a long time ago. When you don’t give people a sense of who you are, they tend to create their own story of you, and very seldom is it accurate or positive. But, what can you do? Ever since I made the conscious choice to distance myself from the spiritual brainwashings I absorbed, I’ve had to make decisions as a present individual. I’ve had to learn to look within myself for the answers and to stop seeking advice and counsel, especially because the information I receive hasn’t been accurate about who I am, what I’m doing, and what I want out of life. It can make me feel lonely sometimes. It can feel as though I’m on this journey all by myself and no one truly understands me. And then I learned the importance of taking risks. Not just the kind of risks that can be done privately and away from the public eye, but the kind of risks that can result in experiencing the judgment of others because the effort was made with their eyes on me.
It’s funny because many times people say that most aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are. But for me, people do pay attention to the things I do, more so than I think they are. I often hope that they aren’t, that they simply let me live my life in the way that I want. And eventually they do. But not until after they’ve had a field day with their talks. People talk. But I can’t let that hold me back from living the life that I want. I guess this is why I’m thinking more seriously about quitting my job.
I know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life tied to a job. I know that what I’m doing isn’t something I want to do forever. For the last week, I have been exploring that giant iceberg that is my psyche and learning about the ideas and events that have altered my perception of this world and have created that giant barricade of fear for me in the past. We all know that fear isn’t real. But, there are experiences in our lives that we have allowed to limit us. One such case was my experiences at that God awful university that made me afraid to travel and interact with others to the depths that I use to. In exploring it, I know now that the event doesn’t have to cripple me, but rather that it can be used to raise my awareness of the world around me, and the perceptions many people still carry regarding people who look differently or act differently from them.
I need to continue to have courage because I believe that what I want to create for myself is possible if I’m willing to take risks.
Merry Christmas everyone!
I’ve been spending a lot of time alone this week. With the nurses on strike, I’ve had a lot of time to really process my thoughts, something which I haven’t been doing to this depth in the past. I know my friends and family want me to come out, to spend time with them, but I just need this time. I need this time to look deep within myself and get to the source of this…barricade.
Recently I decided that what I want to do is be a travel nurse. At least for a while. I always wanted to travel and my goal was always to take up traveling once I turned 18. I went to a University that was so full with subtle racists (when people start making comments like, “We don’t offer Salsa dancing classes here. But try urban dancing. Your people seem to like that.” then you kind of get the feeling where their heads are.) that I became so afraid to relive the trauma I experienced of being on my own and encountering such trapped, brain-washed, small-minded people ever again. Some people never once tried to step outside of their comfort zone to explore how much more alike we are than different. They really don’t care. They just don’t see it. On the one end, I’ve learned that these people really do still exist despite how vast and large the world is and despite access to information and resources like the internet. On the other end, I became terrified to travel for fear of experiencing that hellishness again. As a digression, I find it very ironic that I went to a very deeply religious University and often times refer to it as “Hellish”. It really was hellish though.
Lately, as I try to research travel agencies so that I can step outside of this fear barricade that I’ve trapped myself into, I’ve been receiving calls from family members inquiring about the loving nature of my relationship with my ex. When I tell them it’s over, I get a long speech about how “okay” it is, and whether or not I communicated to him that my family accepts him and loves him, etc. The point is, I gave my best to the relationship. I really believe I did. Everything I didn’t do the first time around out of fear, I did it this time. I opened my heart up to him and loved him completely. I still love him. But after you’ve done all you can to try and make something work, after you’ve given your all, and it fails, all you can do is step back, let go, and let God. I can’t make someone love me who doesn’t love me. I can’t make someone stay with me who chooses not to. There’s nothing else I can do but go on with my life. And my family agrees.
What’s so interesting is that I keep stumbling upon bits and pieces of information that keeps encouraging me to continue moving forward in my life despite loving. Loving someone and wanting to be around them when you can’t be is hard. But you know…it’s okay. I’m going to be okay. Because I’m finally taking steps to make my life how I want. I’m finally choosing to be happy and to love. And true love sets people free.
I’ve written a few posts about how I hate nursing and how I know this isn’t something I’d like to do for the rest of my life. That being said, whether I like it or not, I’m going to be in nursing for a little while longer. So I might as well make the most of it.
When I decided to go into nursing school, I chose this career because I wanted the flexibility, to avoid the office/cubicle life, and to have the money to fund my travels. I never saw myself working in a hospital, dealing with the sick, or even the business/political aspect of the career. I just wanted to travel and to be able to afford it. For this reason, I’m thinking about travel nursing!
The thing I’m struggling with at the moment is that I despise the politics, ego battles, pettiness, and all that other jazz that comes from working in this field. I often hear horror stories from nurses who receive the most difficult assignments when they float to another unit. I don’t want to deal with the hellishness. But I do want to take the risk. I need to explore my options.
There comes a point in our lives when we want to make a change but don’t. Despite all our complaining, when the opportunity presents itself for us to make a change, we choose not to take it. We become comfortable and even the pain of our situation, though it feels dreadful, is familiar. Every day becomes like the last and we find ourselves repeating ourselves. “Tomorrow I’m going to make a change.” “Tomorrow will be different.” But it never is because we never took a risk to make that change.
Risks are a necessary part of life. In order to experience the fullness of our being, risk is needed. In order to reach our fullest potentials, we have to be willing to make the change and then make that change. If we choose to not to take risks, to make every day like the last, to live our lives in fear and to allow fear to rule us, then we will never grow. We will never know who we truly are.
Dig deep, stretch far. Sometimes the beauty and fullness this life has to offer exists just outside of our comfort zones.
When you accept that everything you need is inside yourself, there isn’t all that much you feel the need to do. You don’t feel the need to prove your worth, to change others, to absorb concepts to help define who you are and explain yourself. All of it becomes unnecessary because you discover that you are whole. You are complete because it’s the way you were created.
Some of us, after we’ve discovered this, don’t accept this. For people like myself, the idea that everything could be inside of us, despite the opinions of the rest of the world, just seemed too good to be true. We know it to be true, and yet we run. We try to find out if anything else exists that’s better than this knowing. This leads us to undertake a journey of exploration that always brings us back to ourselves. Nothing ever sticks, nothing ever lasts, but no matter where we go, we discover that inside of us, is the source of all that we are seeking. We continue to look outside of ourselves for answers and information, always putting that inner source on hold until one day we can’t run anymore. After a while, even a dog gets tired of chasing its own tail. For me, I had to accept this unconditional love that existed within and accept that the information I sought was all within me as well.
I haven’t been writing as much because I’ve been working on changing my patterns. I want to be clear with my words and to continue to give my best in everything that I do. This might mean that I need to do less. This might mean that I need to do things that I actually want to do so that I can be consistent. This means that I need to change my work habits, to change the things that I say and do. And I want to produce better content, even if that means writing less frequently.
I want to be impeccable with my word. I want to be a good storyteller and to create quality works of art while here.