I had my uncle look over my essays for my college application. Two things became abundantly clear: 1. I didn’t have a complete grasp on the nurse practitioner role, and 2. I chose it because I don’t want to be a bedside nurse. None of this is really a shocker to me. But I guess it was to him. He turned to my mom and remarked that he didn’t think I really knew what the role entailed. Nevertheless, I completed the application. I’m still hoping to be accepted.
There’s a part of me that would still like to take a year off to see the world. There’s been so many reasons/excuses as to why I didn’t go. My mom pushed me to get a job right out of college, my then boyfriend did not want me going places alone and wanted to be my companion only to later reduce his travels and to focus more intently on his desire to make money and other passions. There were student loans that needed to be paid and I didn’t want interest to accumulate. Lastly, there was the constant pressure I felt from my mom to stick to the status quo, to not travel alone, to follow the humdrum of college, work, marriage, kids, etc. But I don’t exactly want that. Maybe one day but in my own time. There’s a part of me that would like to make my mom happy and I think that by doing what she likes, it makes her happy. But I am not fulfilled.
I’ve actually talked to her about this. She says that it’s my choice. But I can tell she’s not supportive of my ideas. I can feel it, even though she says otherwise. It leaks out in conversations and the way she sends others to talk to me about some of the decisions I make. I guess I just want to be released from the burden of living up to other’s expectations completely. After all these years, my mom is the only person I have never been able to truly stand up to. I’m going to have to work on this if I want to experience true fulfillment. I may be wrong, her words may end up being right. But I want my decisions to be my own.