Merry Christmas everyone!
I’ve been spending a lot of time alone this week. With the nurses on strike, I’ve had a lot of time to really process my thoughts, something which I haven’t been doing to this depth in the past. I know my friends and family want me to come out, to spend time with them, but I just need this time. I need this time to look deep within myself and get to the source of this…barricade.
Recently I decided that what I want to do is be a travel nurse. At least for a while. I always wanted to travel and my goal was always to take up traveling once I turned 18. I went to a University that was so full with subtle racists (when people start making comments like, “We don’t offer Salsa dancing classes here. But try urban dancing. Your people seem to like that.” then you kind of get the feeling where their heads are.) that I became so afraid to relive the trauma I experienced of being on my own and encountering such trapped, brain-washed, small-minded people ever again. Some people never once tried to step outside of their comfort zone to explore how much more alike we are than different. They really don’t care. They just don’t see it. On the one end, I’ve learned that these people really do still exist despite how vast and large the world is and despite access to information and resources like the internet. On the other end, I became terrified to travel for fear of experiencing that hellishness again. As a digression, I find it very ironic that I went to a very deeply religious University and often times refer to it as “Hellish”. It really was hellish though.
Lately, as I try to research travel agencies so that I can step outside of this fear barricade that I’ve trapped myself into, I’ve been receiving calls from family members inquiring about the loving nature of my relationship with my ex. When I tell them it’s over, I get a long speech about how “okay” it is, and whether or not I communicated to him that my family accepts him and loves him, etc. The point is, I gave my best to the relationship. I really believe I did. Everything I didn’t do the first time around out of fear, I did it this time. I opened my heart up to him and loved him completely. I still love him. But after you’ve done all you can to try and make something work, after you’ve given your all, and it fails, all you can do is step back, let go, and let God. I can’t make someone love me who doesn’t love me. I can’t make someone stay with me who chooses not to. There’s nothing else I can do but go on with my life. And my family agrees.
What’s so interesting is that I keep stumbling upon bits and pieces of information that keeps encouraging me to continue moving forward in my life despite loving. Loving someone and wanting to be around them when you can’t be is hard. But you know…it’s okay. I’m going to be okay. Because I’m finally taking steps to make my life how I want. I’m finally choosing to be happy and to love. And true love sets people free.