Today is a new day!
I’ve been reading Keni Styles’ Blog and for some reason he’s become my sexual/romantic hero. lol I think the reason for this is because he’s a man who has had sex with women of all races and never once takes into consideration his penis size or race, especially in a society that can’t seem to get out of race and penis size. He doesn’t consider race when it comes to his romantic/sexual choices and I love that about him! I think my favorite quote from him so far as been, “The whole size issue is ridiculous. You don’t fuck someone with your dick, you fuck someone with your whole body…” I think it’s a message of passion and presence and I appreciate that message.
Anyways, I’m starting to see the images people try to project onto me all the time. It’s kind of interesting, really. It’s also kind of shitty. Because I’d like to just be. But many times those projections can be quite annoying, which is why I stopped asking people about their perceptions a long time ago. When you don’t give people a sense of who you are, they tend to create their own story of you, and very seldom is it accurate or positive. But, what can you do? Ever since I made the conscious choice to distance myself from the spiritual brainwashings I absorbed, I’ve had to make decisions as a present individual. I’ve had to learn to look within myself for the answers and to stop seeking advice and counsel, especially because the information I receive hasn’t been accurate about who I am, what I’m doing, and what I want out of life. It can make me feel lonely sometimes. It can feel as though I’m on this journey all by myself and no one truly understands me. And then I learned the importance of taking risks. Not just the kind of risks that can be done privately and away from the public eye, but the kind of risks that can result in experiencing the judgment of others because the effort was made with their eyes on me.
It’s funny because many times people say that most aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are. But for me, people do pay attention to the things I do, more so than I think they are. I often hope that they aren’t, that they simply let me live my life in the way that I want. And eventually they do. But not until after they’ve had a field day with their talks. People talk. But I can’t let that hold me back from living the life that I want. I guess this is why I’m thinking more seriously about quitting my job.
I know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life tied to a job. I know that what I’m doing isn’t something I want to do forever. For the last week, I have been exploring that giant iceberg that is my psyche and learning about the ideas and events that have altered my perception of this world and have created that giant barricade of fear for me in the past. We all know that fear isn’t real. But, there are experiences in our lives that we have allowed to limit us. One such case was my experiences at that God awful university that made me afraid to travel and interact with others to the depths that I use to. In exploring it, I know now that the event doesn’t have to cripple me, but rather that it can be used to raise my awareness of the world around me, and the perceptions many people still carry regarding people who look differently or act differently from them.
I need to continue to have courage because I believe that what I want to create for myself is possible if I’m willing to take risks.