Musings

Revealing Options

I struggle now to recall what it is that made me feel like I was old last year or why I thought settling down was a good idea for me. And yet, I do wonder how that would’ve turned out. The girl I am now thinks that I would’ve been miserable. But I can never know for sure. I remember he always felt so sad and insecure. And I use to internalize that and began to feel so off myself. Many times I felt exhausted because I spent a lot of time trying to help nurture him and make him feel “good enough”. But I don’t think there was anything I could’ve done that would’ve done that. I couldn’t understand what it was that made him feel the need to withdraw from me and run from me so frequently. And I felt bad because I wanted to understand. I tried to understand. But I don’t think I could. I don’t think we had good communication along those lines. Sometimes I think when you’re in love, you feel as though this is “the one” for you. And maybe they are. Or maybe they aren’t. But you never know what a blessing a heartbreak is until Opportunity crosses your path and you realize that you’re free to take it up on its offer.

A coworker was describing to me her delivery and as she was describing the process to me, I began to get fatigued. I use to have the same reaction every time I went to Maternity clinicals in nursing school. It often felt like I was the one having the baby. I could feel every pain, every push, every exhausting feeling, that when the baby finally did arrive, I felt like I needed a cot right next to the mother so that I could rest as well. The process was so exhausting to me that after a 4 hour clinical I’d feel so exhausted that I’d fall asleep on myself on the way home. In the years since then, I had often attributed it to my feelings of nervousness about taking on the Nurse role. But after listening to my coworker describe her birthing experience, I feel as though those old fears have nothing to do with my feelings of fatigue and empath ability related to the birthing experience. I relayed this information to my mom who said that she also experiences the same thing surrounding delivery and so does an aunt of mine. I have observed many surgeries and I’m comfortable with the experience. But vaginal deliveries and caesareans often leave me gasping for air, nauseous, and on the verge of passing out. This isn’t fear related to the experience. There is no fear reaction associated with it. It’s this strong feeling of identification with the mother that makes it hard for me to detach from the experience in a way that I can enjoy the experience and be truly effective. For this reason, I’m leaning more towards travel nursing.

Mother baby will always be there. I have the benefit of youth, being single, and very very little debt on my side at this time. I’m completely free to be whoever I want to be. And after a few months or years of travel, I can decide to work in Mother/Baby again (at a hospital closer to home). I have the freedom of having 2 years of experience. There’s many other doors open for me now as a result. It’s just a matter of looking at my options and choosing the ones I want to try.

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