Being Here

I have given myself a hard time psychologically because of all the things that people use to identify and label themselves and others. For example, I am a nurse at the moment. But I could’ve just as easily been a lawyer, a doctor, a businesswoman, a historian, or worked in real estate and sales. People always say that you have to figure out who you are, that you have to find yourself. I’ve tried. I always pursue my curiosities. I took up traveling because I was curious about it and wanted more freedom to do the other things I wanted to do. And what I’ve found is that at the core of who I am is someone who is always curious, always studying and observing things and almost always in a neutral position and feels most comfortable and free when she doesn’t have to be completely involved in the vast majority of emotional affairs. The question of “who are you?” is a fairly difficult question to answer, especially if you’re a very fluid individual.

Traveling, living alone, and being so far away from family has given me the time to really examine myself as a person. The last month or two I have been hard on myself for being single and being alone and not really wanting to date but thinking that I should or was suppose to. Then, when I moved down south to Texas, I had half expected to suddenly become more social until I realized how easily overstimulated I can become. I finally made it into Dallas only to discover that there wasn’t any real “touristy” things I wanted to do but just the fact that I made it into Dallas made me feel content. Nevertheless, I guilted myself because I still felt I was suppose to be more “adventurous” and outgoing. That was a bust. lol I have been back to Dallas for other reasons but I have yet to do anything truly “touristy” while here and I’m still content. One of my coworkers who is a fellow traveller invited me to a rave and I honestly thought I wanted to go because “that’s what people do when in new places”. And  had it not been for this crazy incident with my hair I might’ve gone. But I don’t regret not going. I’m still comfortable.

In addition, my manager called and asked me to work nights. I agreed. For a long time I avoided nights because of the long commute I had with my previous job and because I didn’t want to seem lazy (the stigma with night shift nursing). But I always kind of liked it because there was less running around and less phone calls and just less stimulation overall. Patients tend to want to sleep, less doctors, less management, less noise. I accepted it to give it a try and I like it. I like it enough to want to finish out my time here on nights.

I think I’ve always known what my tolerance level was so social interaction and stimulation but I always wanted to push those boundaries and I might have overdone it at some point. I’m not sure when exactly I stopped testing my boundaries and started trying to change myself to be more like “everyone else” but as I slowly pull back and allow myself to be me instead trying to fit the mold, I’m starting to like life more and like my job more, and allow myself to take my time.

My favorite part of the trip so far has been being able to drive cross country. I got to see beautiful landscapes while in the comfort of my car and to even share that with one other person and that made me happy and content and was enough.


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