My mind is constantly racing, seldom at peace. I spend a good chunk of my time alone because I have so many of my own questions running through my head that I don’t really have the desire to engage in other people’s stuff. And yet, I constantly find myself caring for and ministering to others. I feel good knowing that I was able to help them find clarity in some way and to grow on some level and discover a better part of themselves, but at the same time, I still struggle with my own mind.
I was guilting myself for being seemingly less motivated to work when my goal is to pay off my student loans but I’m okay with it now and I’m allowing myself to just be, racing thoughts and all.
I’ve been having lots of thoughts lately and haven’t been on this blog much. These last six years have been kind of interesting for me as I come to figure out what really matters, and to tie up loose ends and get closure in many areas of my life, particularly with relationships (myself, others, God). It’s just been all about relationships and closure these last six years. Finally, I’ve come to a place where there’s just me. I’ve been taking care of myself, my body, my skin, my hair, appreciating my own beauty both internally and externally, and just allowing myself to be that gorgeous person that I’ve been too afraid to recognize all these years! I’ve met some amazing people across the ages and have allowed myself to really dig deep within myself and to ask myself questions and come to realizations that in the months and years prior, I just couldn’t see.
I had stopped loving and caring for myself many years ago. I didn’t think it mattered. But I finally do love and care for myself again, mind, body, and soul. I’m starting to understand the importance, not of escaping my own ego, but embracing it and incorporating it into my life. There isn’t a whole lot else I feel like writing about.
I’m starting to recognize that what I’m experiencing at the moment is nurse burnout and I thought travel nursing would give me the opportunity to recover from it. Well it didn’t. After not having a real, worry-free, plan-free (all my “vacations” were gaps where I was prepping for another job or to go back to work) vacation in 2 years, I’m starting to realize the effects. My goal from now on is to take frequent breaks between assignments. No more working 2+ years non-stop. I need time for me, especially in this profession where my focus tends to be on others. I need to take care of myself and my health.
I wanted to add that reading stories about Nurse burnout has really helped me to feel better about the position I’m in at the moment. I want to be more positive and I think I just need to work on getting my life to where I want it to be. At 23, now is the time to do that.