Hey Readers

As I continue to work on myself and my solar plexus and throat chakra, more and more realizations continue to come up for me to observe, acknowledge, process, and release or embrace. I know that much of life is a choice, conscious or unconscious and as am more conscious now of the choices I make, I realize that there’s certain decisions that I made, unconsciously, that have affected my life and so I’m going through the process of reversing them and taking back control of my life.

In the past, I have had a tendency of relinquishing control and power to the opposite sex. In turn, they have often let me down. I’m sure a lot of people have both had and not had this experience and I think that that’s both great and not so great respectively. lol But relationships as I understand them, for many people, has involved some kind of need and expectation from their partner to act, think, feel, believe, etc a certain way. Otherwise, conflict ensues. And this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Conflict can be good. But, I have found that a lot of people have expectations from a partner that i am unwilling to fulfill. And the ones that I have allowed myself to attempt to fulfill, I no longer intend to do so.

I’m already a complete person with wonderful gifts, talents, and abilities. I also realize that I’m a very strong person. I’m not willing to compromise that for people anymore in order to make them feel more adequate or more comfortable in the skin they’re in. I’m not going to reduce myself or become a shrinking violet in order to make people feel good about themselves anymore. I have a tendency to see everyone as my peers and I care a good deal about people but I acknowledge now that not everyone is aware of their own inner power and beauty and ability to overcome and so even though we are all connected, and equal, the level of awareness that exists inside of another person can and often does affect the energy they put into the world. And this energy can affect me if I allow it to. So no, I cannot allow everyone into my life. And I trust my gut on people and situations when it alerts me. I’m in control of my life, I have as much right to speak my truth as anyone else, and I no longer care if that means I’ll never find a guy on my level or who I connect to anymore. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not going to give the power and the control I have over my life, my self-esteem and my self-worth to another person or group of people anymore.


Solar Plexus

As I work on my solar plexus, issues of my approval seeking continue to come to the forefront. Part of my discomfort with competition stems from this “need”. Am I a good worker? Am I doing a good job? Do my coworkers like me? Do my patients and their families like me? But I don’t enjoy the discomfort I feel from constantly giving my power away. I’d like to keep it for myself to channel into my own personal interests and accomplishments.

The way I envision it is that I continue to go on with my growth but to have more detachment from whether or not the people around me “like” me. I get now that I cannot rely on others to stick up for me and I know that not everyone is going to like me. But I can’t hide because of that. I know that a lot of this stems from my time in 2010, dealing with people that didn’t like me and cultivating this idea that ‘the nail that  sticks out gets hammered” and having this fear and feelings of uncertainty as to whether or not I was “going crazy”. But I know I’m not crazy, I understand what it means to be a minority now, I see that different people come from different places and perspectives in life and carry different levels of understanding within them. I cut. the cord.

Coming Out: Overcoming Shyness

I’m working on overcoming my shyness. I’d like to be a teacher on some level but because I often shy away from the spotlight or from recognition, I have a tendency to avoid becoming an “authority” on things. I think I have a wealth of information that I’d like to pass on to others but in order to do that I think people need to acknowledge me.

Last night, I came face to face with the side of me that shrinks away from people or diminishes herself whenever she’s around others. That girl who gets really high pitched and soft spoken, with that super nasally American accent that even I can’t stand because I know it’s not real. I met that girl who spent her time avoiding people because she was afraid of competition and being in the forefront since people seem to get jealous of her, or they gossip, or they act weird around her as a result. I found that girl who doesn’t quite like to stand out and I’m not exactly sure what to do with her. I’ve been observing her for a while and really what she needs is more courage and the ability to withstand the possibility of people not liking her or gossiping about her or doing all the things she’s afraid they might do because some people might actually do it. She has to find the courage to come into the world and make herself known and allow herself to stand up and out instead of just blending in. She’s got to move beyond that “the nail that sticks out gets hammered” mentality and come to the realization that being acknowledge as good at something, having a platform, utilizing your voice and making yourself known is a good thing, not an arrogant thing or a bad thing. She needs to learn to be comfortable with competition and opposition and realize that it’s okay for it to exist.

I don’t want to be hard on her. I know she has spent a good deal of time lamenting that people usually don’t come to her aid when faced with opposition. There’s a part of me that wants to coddle her and try to show her other avenues she can take to protect herself. But she cannot continue to hope that people come and support her. She is going to have to speak up and make herself known.

Should and I

Dear Readers,

I know Should very well. Should and I are very, very well acquainted. Some of you may know her too. She’s the one who keeps reminding what a good, normal person looks like and ever so often you believe her and take her up on her offer to make you look like a regular person. Remember her? Yeah. She’s interesting right?

Recently, I met Should at my job out in Iowa. During orientation, Should kept telling me that we needed to get out and see the sights more, take more pictures, talk to more guys. You know, do normal people stuff. Should also kept reminding me to keep a smile on my face and to “look alive” and “sound alive” because people like that kind of thing and good, smart, well rounded people look like that. Honestly, all I really wanted to do was go home and watch a movie, maybe drive around a bit. But Should kept reminding me though that good, normal people my age are out doing stuff and being social. I tried to remind her that not everyone is like that and maybe I’m different, maybe I’m not normal, maybe I’m yaddy yaddy yadda. But Should kept telling me that I’m just being a cop out. She then pulled out pictures. Has Should ever done that to you? Shown you pictures of things and people and places? While doing that she tried to introduce me to her friend Must and he and I really need to go to these places together. Like Osh kosh my gosh! Should is quite the sales rep.

Should and I went back and forth for about two days before I said, “You know what Should? Fuck it! You do what you want to do and I’ll do what I want to do.” I then proceeded to give her pictures of people in sales and tried to highlight her many attributes and how her abilities fit the description for the job qualifications and told her to take a minute and let that sink in.

Iowa Part 2 (Not Really About Iowa lol)

I’m enjoying my time in Iowa. I enjoy it because of how much open land exists and how little there is to do here. And yet, there are bits and pieces of interesting places to see and delicious food to eat. But there’s so little to do here that no one is trying to get me to “get out there” and do more. People for the most part are helpful and pleasant but at the same time they leave me alone. And I like that.

Being in Iowa has given me a new awareness and a new appreciation for life and living and moving forward and letting go and the rhythms and patterns of life that most days, even when my life feels slow, I still feel like I’m swimming with the current as opposed to against it. It all feels good.

I think the best part of coming to Iowa has much to do with the realizations leading up to coming here. For some reason, everything started to compound and i felt this huge urge to just release it once and for all. And it started by taking a glimpse of the events that transpired in 2010 and it took me all the way back to my life in middle school. I had so many flashbacks, so many beliefs that came into the forefront that were holding me back from going forward in my life. It was crazy. I hadn’t realized any of it before. I was shocked. I found myself marveling and crying. A shift was going in my brain as old beliefs were coming up and showing me the influence they had on my life up until this point.

Around that time, I got a flash of insight and decided to look up the Universal Laws. I had knowingly encountered some of them before (The law of rhythm, the law of vibration, the law of correspondence, the law of gender). But there were others that I had struggled with (the law of polarity, the law of belief systems). But as my beliefs and events that led to these beliefs continued to show up and to make themselves known, I found myself needing to make a change in order for me to go on. It was pressing. The weight of it all led to me doing a lot of confessing because the need to transform my experiences into light became imperative. I didn’t want to stay in the darkness of my comfort zone anymore and I had found a way forward.

I think God had provided that way forward for me many times but back then I was too scared to take it because I didn’t trust myself. Ideas like to go forward would mean that I would never find true love or that transforming one’s perception and to look at the good and the highest potential of oneself and others (as opposed to trying to keep a neutral air about everything) was to be delusional. Staying neutral was safe. Transforming, raising one’s vibration, branching out on my own, was not. But I had to take the risk. Staying in the ancient, familiar way of living and thinking and being became boring, cyclic (I kept thinking, “Ugh! I already know this) and the idea that “I can do better” just kept coming up. Surprisingly, the idea of trusting oneself hardly came up during that time and I think it’s because I had finally learned my lesson on that matter.  It felt like a no brainer. lol

Nowadays, I pay complete attention to myself. I’m not really concerned with not finding things like true love (romantic love in this context), nor am I concerned about whether or not I’m crazy or if the world is crazy or if my spiritual growth is recognized and acknowledged. I know I’m a good person. I know that I belong here (even if I don’t always feel like I do). The most drastic change in my transformation has been that overnight, my desire for fast food and junk food turned off. I have an aversion to it (and get stomach cramps and diarrhea if I consume it) and prefer to eat fruits, soups, toast, bananas, and often only one meal a day. I drink a lot of water now. I take a bottle everywhere if I can.

Right now, I’m just enjoying this new phase of my life, taking it all in, and trying to learn as much as I can and share whenever possible.

Transform Your Perception/Experiences

Dear Reader,

I am almost 24 years old. It took me roughly 6 years to find the lesson and then the joy in my experiences from the religious, predominantly white university that I graduated from. I feel proud. Had I gone to an HBCU as I often lamented not doing, I would not have learned first hand what it meant to be a minority and how to relate to the majority. As someone who loves traveling, I would not have learned how to adapt to situations where I was the minority and how to find comfort in my own skin despite looking different. I grew up where often times I was the majority. And though much of the discrimination or colorism I experienced were at the hands of people who looked like me, I was still the majority. I learned how to navigate that system. I learned how to find joy and beauty and pride in my mahogany/chocolate skin tone, dark eyes, and athletic tone. But I had never learned what it was like to be a minority and to learn to still feel comfortable and centered.

I use to think that I could control and change people. I know, some of you reading this might laugh or find it strange that I would ever think that. But I did. I thought that by being an example of a good, conscious, higher vibration person, that I could make (not just inspire) people to change. My experiences at my religious university showed me the need to relinquish control and to realize and live the understanding that all I can do is control myself. I can still be a higher level, high vibrating consciousness. I can still be a beautiful reflection of the Divine, continuously on the path of enlightenment and not experience those feelings of self-doubt because I stood out for something I have no real control over.

For some time now, I tried to keep everything in the neutral position, everything just is, because I didn’t want to be delusional. I use to think I was delusional. I always wanted to see the good in people, in situations, in events, in life. I wanted to inspire people to be their highest good or their best self by being the best me that I can be. I wanted to be an example. And then I went to college and I was hurt and confused because it was an environment I was not use to. And I told myself that never again would I delude myself like that again. And so for the last 6 years I went into hiding and just felt like I was wandering around with no real purpose because I was delusional all these years. Today was the first day that I realized that I was not delusional. I was inexperienced. But because of my experiences at my university, I’m not completely inexperienced anymore. I know a bit more today than I did 6 years ago. Not only that, I travel now. And because I’m in the U.S and i often go to places where I could very easily be one of the few black faces in the crowd, I know now how to manage that, how to cope with those moments of loneliness, what it’s like when the majority overlooks me because they don’t have to acknowledge me, etc. And then I’m even more grateful and excited when I see that I’m not the only one, that they do acknowledge me, and that people are more willing to take that step and venture into the unknowns because they’ve met me and I inspired them to do something they might not have had the courage to do on their own. And that makes me happy.

It’s not always easy being the first one or the only one to do something or go something. You’re a pioneer. You’re traveling the road less travelled and so you’re navigating an environment and a road that wasn’t exactly inhabited by anyone like you in the moments prior. So you’re the one paving the way, making the road more or less habitable for people who come after you. You experience all the bumps and rocks and thorns that come from being on the unbeaten path. And people will look at you and laugh and think you’re weird for doing things or going places and you’ll get moments of push back or you’ll hear people say, “I told you so.” and laugh. But go ahead and continue to transform your experiences. 1000 moments of failure don’t make you a failure. Painful experiences don’t have to cripple you. You can grow. You can make transform those experiences by transforming your perception of them. Use them as fuel.

You’re a better you now than yesterday. Make it so.

It’s Okay

Dear Reader,

Loneliness does not mean that you are doing something wrong. It does not mean that you have made a mistake or taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Loneliness does not mean that you are being punished, although sometimes it can certainly feel that way.

Please understand that all things are one thing. Please understand that all is One. Please know that to the very degree to which you feel lonely you can also feel connectedness, sociable, involved, engaged. Loneliness is simply on a spectrum/frequency to which one feels connected. All is energy. And energy cannot be destroyed only transformed. You can transform your loneliness if you want.

Look at your loneliness. Be with your loneliness. You are not alone. Learn to live with yourself and to be with yourself. Learn to live with and be with others. Learn to live in this world. Be in this world and all of its crazy rhythms and patterns. You belong here. Go ahead and move to the beat of your own drum. The kind of music you listen to makes no difference. You belong here.

I wish I could tell you that you will feel good all the time if you do this. I wish I could tell you that if you learn to be with your loneliness that life will be smooth sailing. I wish I could tell you that you will make friends and encounter lovers everywhere you go or that you’ll never feel pain again. Pay attention to your rhythms. Know that everything has a time, a reason, and a season for being as it is. Some days you will feel good. Other days you won’t. Some days life will be a thrill, other days it won’t. You might’ve had an excellent year and the following year might not be so great. Things change. Seasons change. Pay attention to the rhythm. Be okay with it.

I never imagined my life past age 18. Don’t ask me why. lol I don’t know why 18 was such a grand age in my head. It just was. Now I’m almost 24. Last year, I expected to be engaged and in graduate school around this time. Five years before that I had expected to be a wandering spiritual nomad and psychic. Those were all options for me. But none of them came to fruition (except the travel) and its okay. I’m okay with life’s surprises now. Right now I’m single and living on my own 13 weeks at a time. Next year I might be in a relationship and in a staff position at a hospital in a new specialty and in my own home. Or not. I’m willing to let life surprise me.

I have learned that I don’t need to be in control of everything, that I don’t need to have everyone like me or that I don’t have to have people’s validation in order for me to do what I want. I have been having many flashbacks to moments in my life when I decided that it was better to adopt another’s view point than to embrace my own. Equally valid, but on a different spectrum, and certainly not my own. Now I choose me. And even though i still have days and moments that feel crummy, or moments, like now, when I feel lonely, I know that it’s not necessarily because there’s something deeply dysfunctional and wrong with me or that I’m broken or “bad”. Maybe there’s nothing to escape. I have had a great and insightful two weeks and maybe now is the time for me to relax and allow myself to make more space in me for more learning. Whatever it is, I think it’s okay.