Lifestyle

It’s Okay

Dear Reader,

Loneliness does not mean that you are doing something wrong. It does not mean that you have made a mistake or taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Loneliness does not mean that you are being punished, although sometimes it can certainly feel that way.

Please understand that all things are one thing. Please understand that all is One. Please know that to the very degree to which you feel lonely you can also feel connectedness, sociable, involved, engaged. Loneliness is simply on a spectrum/frequency to which one feels connected. All is energy. And energy cannot be destroyed only transformed. You can transform your loneliness if you want.

Look at your loneliness. Be with your loneliness. You are not alone. Learn to live with yourself and to be with yourself. Learn to live with and be with others. Learn to live in this world. Be in this world and all of its crazy rhythms and patterns. You belong here. Go ahead and move to the beat of your own drum. The kind of music you listen to makes no difference. You belong here.

I wish I could tell you that you will feel good all the time if you do this. I wish I could tell you that if you learn to be with your loneliness that life will be smooth sailing. I wish I could tell you that you will make friends and encounter lovers everywhere you go or that you’ll never feel pain again. Pay attention to your rhythms. Know that everything has a time, a reason, and a season for being as it is. Some days you will feel good. Other days you won’t. Some days life will be a thrill, other days it won’t. You might’ve had an excellent year and the following year might not be so great. Things change. Seasons change. Pay attention to the rhythm. Be okay with it.

I never imagined my life past age 18. Don’t ask me why. lol I don’t know why 18 was such a grand age in my head. It just was. Now I’m almost 24. Last year, I expected to be engaged and in graduate school around this time. Five years before that I had expected to be a wandering spiritual nomad and psychic. Those were all options for me. But none of them came to fruition (except the travel) and its okay. I’m okay with life’s surprises now. Right now I’m single and living on my own 13 weeks at a time. Next year I might be in a relationship and in a staff position at a hospital in a new specialty and in my own home. Or not. I’m willing to let life surprise me.

I have learned that I don’t need to be in control of everything, that I don’t need to have everyone like me or that I don’t have to have people’s validation in order for me to do what I want. I have been having many flashbacks to moments in my life when I decided that it was better to adopt another’s view point than to embrace my own. Equally valid, but on a different spectrum, and certainly not my own. Now I choose me. And even though i still have days and moments that feel crummy, or moments, like now, when I feel lonely, I know that it’s not necessarily because there’s something deeply dysfunctional and wrong with me or that I’m broken or “bad”. Maybe there’s nothing to escape. I have had a great and insightful two weeks and maybe now is the time for me to relax and allow myself to make more space in me for more learning. Whatever it is, I think it’s okay.

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