I Try to Be My True Self (July 29,2015)
I was watching Oprah’s Master Class on Youtube with Whoopi Goldberg the other day and she said something that hit me. She basically said it’s easy to be yourself if you can live with people not liking you, or gossiping about you, or disagreeing with you, etc.
Being yourself isn’t a complicated thing. It’s “tricky” because we are imprinted on from the moment we are born. Your training begins at birth people! lol But if you can reach a point where you’re able to sit with yourself and pay attention to yourself without judgement. Just observing yourself when alone and even in the company of others. You will see and know who you really are and if you, as Whoopi says, are able to live with people not liking you, or gossiping about you, or disagreeing, or facing moments of opposition, you will succeeded in being your true self.
I Have a Confession
When I was about 14/15 years old, I encountered a beautiful dark skin black woman online who was married to an Asian man from China. They seemed very much in love and I admired them. She seemed very smart, creative, and often shared viewpoints that were similar to my own. She made me feel “normal”. As a result, I sort to emulate her lifestyle and choices and 2/3 years later, i encountered an Asian man, also Chinese from China, who I thought could provide me the same kind of beautiful love I saw exuded in their relationship.
That never happened. He never could commit to me fully and the relationship was full of his own insecurities, the pressure he felt from his family and friends to not be with me for many reasons including race, and just an overall feeling of suffering. I gave my all to the relationship in the hopes that it would work. But I experienced more pain and exhaustion in that relationship than I did single and I have no one but myself to blame.
Here I am 6 years later and almost a year after the relationship has officially ended and I feel depressed, angry, guilty, and frustrated. I wish I hadn’t done that to myself so many years ago. Here I am trying to get it together so that I can go forward but it hurts. It hurts when you’ve tried hard at something and clung to something for almost 6 years and had it all go to shit.
I’m in agony. And it makes me upset to think that I have this otherwise beautiful life in which I could do anything I want and go anywhere I want and yet I often find myself at random times crying over a man who never actually could love me and commit to me. The worst is that I’m more angry at myself for trying to emulate this woman’s lifestyle all these years when I never could be her. I never could have anything remotely like her life and it’s all my fault. I feel drenched with guilt and shame.
Aug 4th, 2015
I use to think that if I wasn’t a clair- something then I wasn’t enlightened. I thought one came with the other.
Once upon a time, long ago, I use to lower my energy for my partners and friends because I was afraid that I would never find another on my level.
I Am Single (Aug 4, 2015)
After a bit of back and forth inside of myself (“you’re closing yourself off, C-nite.”, “Remember everything you’ve been taught?” “Give life another chance” etc etc) I have decided to remain single. I know for a lot of people this can cause quite a bit of resistance and for some folks the idea of someone, especially a female, deciding to remain single makes people uncomfortable and makes them want to say things like, “Don’t give up!” or whatever. But it’s not that I have given up. I actually still believe in love and think that it’s a beautiful and wonderful gift and blessing. But I’m also aware of energetic output, cause and effect, attraction and the like.
From observing myself, and paying attention to my patterns, I have learned that the men I attract and the men that I am attracted to, have a tendency to be deeply emotionally unavailable. Whatever they’ve been taught, whatever they have learned, whatever situations they are in, or heart break they’ve experienced in the past, whatever internal struggles, have closed them off to me altogether. I also know from past experience and from paying attention to patterns that I am the kind of woman who puts in a lot of time and effort into making these relationships work. I’m a very dedicated, committed woman who wants to enjoy the fruits of her labor; however, the men who come into my life do not devote their time and energy in return. Do you see how this can be a problem? Often what happens is that they use up my time, energy and resources for their betterment but do not return the favor. Many times my time investment goes to other women and other sources (work, school, their self-esteem and self-worth). That’s not very fair to me. That’s not very nice. If I’m giving all of this time and energy to a partner and to a relationship, then I’m going to need devotion in return. I’m not afraid to ask for what I want and need. But I haven’t met that nor experienced that with anyone. I trust my gut completely now. I’m not giving “benefits of a doubt”, I’m not thinking, “Maybe he can change. Maybe he will evolve. Maybe I’m not giving him enough of a chance.” No. lol No no no.
I have other projects that I’m working on right now. Check out my new song “C-nite Reloaded” coming out on iTunes September 21, 2015. Peace!
I Have Changed Over The Years (July 29, 2015)
I was watching an episode of Catfish recently in which the Catfish created this Hannah Montana version of her own life. I looked at her as she created this version of herself and my heart slowly started to break. Not out of self-pity or remorse but because I saw myself in her. I saw my very creation acting out in front of me through her and I couldn’t believe it. Images of myself acting out this creation in my past life, that high pitched voice, changing my name, the friends I made, the animation and theatrics. I know she was trying to cope, to make sense of a reality that wasn’t how she felt reality could be or should be. I knew she was trying to escape. And I didn’t feel anger, or fear, or entertained. I felt compassion. Overwhelming compassion. And then I cried.
There came a point in my life where I took a step back and saw that whoever I am or whatever I was, was not going to work anymore. The image I created for myself in order to cope was not a good reflection of me. To hold on to a creation, an image of what I thought I “should” be, think, act, feel, represent, became self-defeating.
I knew that I was just trying to protect myself from the struggle I felt existed from seeing the world and existence from a different place as many other people. I know that I was just trying to grab at anything or anyone who could make this place a more seemingly hospitable, comfortable place for me. I perceived that to “come out” (not in terms of sexuality, but in terms of just letting myself be a complete and unique individual) would mean having to face gross opposition and I was not okay or ready for that. People want friends, they want support, they want to be liked, to love and to experience love, to be recognized and acknowledged, to feel welcomed, they want to belong and I’m no different. But I also wanted to continue growing and the image I had created for myself continued to haunt me. I could continue trying to fuel that image and constantly feel stuck and continue to experience the same kind of suffering, or I could go on.
Competition, having moments where people don’t like you, being met with moments where people oppose you or talk about you behind your back (or to your face), not feeling like you have back up…I coped with that by trying to blend in, seeming nice and friendly and kind or mellow and harmless or by taking on a persona of people I perceived as confident and likable. But there is something far more profound in coming to one’s own conclusions and learning how I personally handle conflict and competition and opposition, etc. It still kind of shocks me every now and then that the way in which I thought I should react to conflict is very different from how I actually do. It also shocks me that there are moments where I actually, naturally react to situations the same way I thought people I actually admired would. But above all, I feel like a more connected, complete person.
Sometimes I remember the way I use to be and I blush, or I laugh at myself, or I marvel, or I cry. And then I chuckle because I know now that the path to enlightenment is the craziest, most simple task in the entire world. And yet it is chronically overlooked. I have always been a whole, connected God-like entity. There was never anything truly wrong with being me.
I Value My Privacy (July 27th, 2015)
Right now, we seem to live in a world where people want to share everything and know everything. Information is abundant and trivial. I know things I wish I didn’t know. lol Work and our employers want to keep tabs on us via Facebook, twitter, instagram, etc. We upload pictures of our food, take pictures of our naked bodies when we’re blind and carried away by an emotion and send them out into the world, we upload our every thought, feeling, opinion, many times our most toxic self is what ends up online. The internet has become a bit of a cesspool of comments and posts and statements and pictures that are kind of irrelevant and unnecessary, possibly deeply unimportant.
I went through a phase where I would share everything. I thought it was necessary and I wanted my life to be an open book for others to learn from. Some did. But I also learned that some people don’t know how to treat the pages of a book (or the book for that matter). People are in a lot of pain and they will find relief in a lot of ways. And what I took away from that experience was that you don’t need to know every single thing about my life, unprompted and unsolicited. I value my privacy. If I walked away from this site today, the only people who would know anything about me and my whereabouts would be the few people I text and email and call. And that would be just fine. I’m okay with that. With the handful of people I choose to text and email and call on a regular basis, I’m blessed far beyond measure already.
I Still Believe In Love (July 27th, 2015)
For those who are considering giving up on love, I say don’t. I have had situations in my life where I have wanted to completely shut down and close my heart off to love once and for all. I’ve had my heart broken many times and people have disappointed me on numerous occasions. But I believe in love. And I trust that if love still exists in my heart, even if only directed at myself and a few small individuals in my life, or even on a grand scale towards the entire world, then love still exists. It’s a very powerful and transformative energy.
I know many of us are looking for this notion of lifelong romantic love. I ask you to please broaden your horizons. I hope one day you do find that “special someone”, yes, even in the Disney sense, but I know that many have come and gone without ever having that experience. I know some of us have had our hearts broken and don’t ever want to experience the pain of that loss and suffering again. I empathize. I use to think that the one I lost was the only one and it caused me much grief and suffering. I ask you to please transform your perception of that experience. I ask you to give life a chance to surprise you. Give another person the chance to encounter you and for you to discover them. Give yourself a chance to grow in all forms. Give yourself a chance to move on.
I Don’t Like Disrespectful People (June 18th, 2015)
I’m tired of dealing with people who don’t treat me with the level of respect I deserve. I’m tired of being belittled, spoken down to, or taken advantage of. I’m tired of the psychological “bullying” and it will not be tolerated. This is a non-negotiable.
I’m at a point where I want to find my center and stay there. I am not willing to give anyone my time and energy who in return feels the need to belittle me and treat me as though I am less than they are. I will not be used and misused. My resources can be better served elsewhere.
I Wanted To Be A Nun
(July 18, 2015)
When I was in high school, I considered becoming a nun because I wanted to devote myself to spiritual growth completely and couldn’t think of any other way to do it. Everything else in life seemed to be a distraction. I didn’t want to think about making money, careers, dating, marriage, relationships, etc. It just seemed like noise and distractions. I also wanted to travel more and talk to people who were also on the spiritual path. But I wasn’t Catholic and had no intentions of returning to religion in that way. I had hoped, however, that those devoted to the faith in the forms of nuns and monks would be a bit more spiritual in nature as opposed to pious. I was greatly disappointed.
I’m still very much committed to my spiritual growth and one of the things that I always seek in life is inspiration. I’m inspired by this very existence, by being here, and I’ve learned that I am a “nun” or a “priestess” in my own way and on my own terms.
I am Not A Part of the Group (Aug 1, 2015)
I realized that it doesn’t matter how much I try or what shape I take to try and make things work, the only guy I’ve ever had a romantic feeling of love for and I are not compatible. The approval of his friends and family are very important to him. And they never were for me.
I have had some friends in my life where having that circle of friends and having their support were top priority on their list. I wish I could say the same. I certainly did try. And while it’s nice to have that kind of support system, I’m okay being on my own, exploring, and trusting myself to discover the answers. It’s not a common thing that I see for people to be comfortable with themselves and on their own. There’s always this portion that seems to always want to convince others of the rightness of their views. I’ve had to close some doors to people and to aspects of my past life that were very strongly emotionally charged and weren’t conducive to my growth. I had to learn that even if I don’t “fit in” with even a small group of people, I still belong here and that I’m not “crazy” or “weird” for seeing life differently than others. My gut instincts and natural inclination to go my own way are completely natural just as other’s reactions to find groups and circles and make friends and family a priority in their decision making are completely natural as well.
I don’t care about twin flames and soul mates or finding “the one” anymore. It’s not validation to me that I’m doing something right with my life. I’m not afraid of going forward anymore for fear of going crazy or of “doing something wrong” because others are too afraid to live life on their own terms or don’t even realize such a thing is possible. I’m not stunting my growth anymore for fear of going forward and possibly never meeting anyone on the same level and page as me. The shrinking violet is in remission. I belong here, even if I’m not a part of the group.
I Have Been Brainwashed (Aug 4th, 2015)
When I was 19, I met someone on here who I was attracted to spiritually. Wanting to prove myself and to be acknowledged (I think he saw this and used this weakness against me) I followed him as he tried to fill my head with a bunch of information that was of not true and not accurate. I honestly think he tried to break me and control me under the guise of the title “spiritual guru”. I had panic attacks, experienced huge bouts of self-doubt, almost lost my mind. And as this was happening, he was there, egging me on as he tried to tell me who I should be and how I should act as a spiritually enlightened person. I realize now that what he was trying to do was get me into a complete state of confusion about who i was and what I am so that he could more readily control me and fill my head with ideas of his choosing. He would only approve of me as “spiritually enlightened” if I sounded and carried myself in a certain way. It took me a long time to undo the effects.
For a while, I was confused and angry at him for what he did. And then I realized that a good chunk of it was a result of what I had allowed him to do. Because of my upbringing (I grew up in a culture where people often sought authority-figures for validation), I had been seeking an authority figure to confirm for me that I was on the right track. He wasn’t the first person I set up as “guru” in my life. I recognize that pattern in myself and I needed to break out of that thinking.
Now, when I notice people trying to steer me in one direction or another, I simply tell them, “I’m good” and walk away. I’m not looking for a guru or guidance (which is how I got myself in that situation to begin with) because I’m not unsure of myself anymore . I’m comfortable letting you do what you want to do while I do what I want. I don’t need a church, a book, a man, a leader, or a guru to control and dictate my life for me.
I Am Starting Over Again
“Never a failure, always a lesson.”