My Own Advocate

Sometimes the people who say they love us do a terrible job at showing it and leave us with wounds that we have to tend to. I’ve spent a tremendous amount of time in my life and in my relationships trying to smooth things out with boyfriends, with friends, with family. But it seldom ever seems to go through and often what results is that I experience a great deal of exhaustion and then depression.

Exhaustion and depression has been the two main things for me when it comes to relationships with those I’ve mentioned in my past. I’ve been put down a lot in these relationships. And while it became easy to walk away from friends or relationships that exhaustive pattern, it was always harder to do with family. Everyone in my life always seems to advocate staying close to one’s family, making it work. Not many people seem to understand the need to create distance when the people who exhaust you the most are within your own bloodline. But sometimes it is necessary, especially if frequent interactions with them make you feel like your worst possible self.

Once again, it’s not like these people are “bad” people. I think they do love me. But they’ve never been able to provide me with what I needed, and often I felt the life sucked out of me. Growing up, what I wanted was an advocate, a supporter. I never had that from them. In the moments that counted, they were no where to be found. Many within my family had a very different experience from me and I think they were fortunate to have that experience from those who loved them. But I did not. And it left me feeling deeply neglected for a long long time. I’ve said many times before that I am only strong because I have to be. I’ve never felt like I had a shoulder to cry on or someone who supported me through thick and thin, but rather only when it was opportune. Being in situations where I’m surrounded by people who I’m sure love me but who can’t find it in themselves to advocate for me, and would gladly make me the butt of their jokes,¬†leaves me with no choice but to be completely on my own. Once again, I have to advocate for myself.

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