Today is the last day of my month off. I think it’s been the best month off I’ve had so far. My home feels like my home again. I stopped running from myself and let out a few really good cries. I travelled to Europe and found my speaking voice again (the confident, comfortable, adult one). I vented so much to so many different people about my emotional pain (experiencing unrequited love). I finally stopped navel gazing over my “YOLO” years and began taking the necessary steps to repair whatever damage was done (my teeth are now back in braces because I didn’t care enough about myself to wear my retainer back then. “YOLO!”). I’ve come to understand the nature of my intuitive abilities (Clairvoyant, claircognizant, as well as clairsentient). I stopped putting unbelievable amounts of pressure on myself to buy a house NOW (a remnant of my unrequited love’s mentality). I learned that being busy was my way of escaping my reality. That what I really want is to be productive. I also discovered the joy of cooking. When I came back from Iowa, one thing became abundantly clear to me: I had completely gotten the craving for junk food out of my system. I didn’t want burgers, fries, fried chicken, or anything “fast”. Not even restaurant food. I was done. I think I needed it. I think I needed all of it.
When I started travel nursing almost a year ago, my plan was to go somewhere and create a new life, a new “me”. But I don’t think that came by going to new places for me. “Wherever you go, there you are.” I don’t remember who said that but I realized while it Texas that my desire for “belonging” wasn’t going to be completely fulfilled by those on the outside. All of this, the journey, is what helped to cultivate that new “me”. The men I’ve met along the way, the friends I made, getting all those intense crazy cravings out of my system. Maybe “running” from myself served some kind of purpose. Maybe it was necessary for me to stop asking, “What if?” and to return to myself ready to face all of the pain and emotional clutter that had accumulated in the years prior. I know sometimes I have a tendency to want to seem like I’m above all of that and see it as “not real”, especially after my spiritual experience. But if I were really above all of it, it wouldn’t even be there to begin with. And if it’s real for me, then it’s real enough that I have to come face to face with it. I have to accept that it’s there and go through the pain. I can’t negate its existence simply because I feel good enough to ignore it because in the moments when I am down, it will be there, eating at me, causing me great pain and suffering. That’s what I now know for sure.
So I put buying the house on hold to focus on paying off my student loans. I stopped looking for a new love to replace the old love that I still feel as strongly as in the days prior (psychic senses, telepathic messages, and all). I put the braces back in and the retainer back on. I began the process of meditating and accepted that at night, I leave my body and enter the astral. I signed back onto Facebook (for a little) and removed some of the people who I didn’t trust but returned to because I was afraid to move forward with my growth. I’ve begun practicing to use my grown up adult voice as opposed to the baby one that I often used so as to not seem intimidating and “a threat”. And I learned how to cook (and stopped seeing it as “women’s work” like my relatives often implied it was).
I feel more centered. I no longer feel like a dog chasing its own tail because I’m not running, ducking, and hiding from myself anymore. And that’s a new level of liberation that I have only begun to experience. I’m headed to Chandler, Arizona with a new feeling and perception of this trip. It’s not about “running” anymore or “processing” or “shutting down”. This might be my last travel assignment because I know that traveling as a bedside nurse isn’t exactly what I plan to do for the rest of my life. But it was a great experience and a wonderful opportunity to get a lot of stuff out of my system. I’m incredibly grateful!