Since coming to Arizona, something inside of me has wanted to stop. I’ve been blogging about it over and over throughout the weeks about how I just can’t do “it” anymore. Realizing that control is an illusion and seeing the labyrinth of the mind (it’s all a mind-fuck) was breathtaking. And I let go. Of everything. No more stressing about the future or worrying about what could be or should be or didn’t happen. The chips will fall where they fall. No more running. Just me. Here. Now.
All of this has given birth to my need to express myself creatively and honestly. All of me, as best as I can and I’ve had to release many of the things and people who I felt kept me back from this freedom of expression that I had long since forgotten. I love writing. I love expressing myself, observing patterns and expressing the images I see in everyday life or the crazy images that flash across my mind. And I like speaking, from the heart, and telling stories and hearing stories.
Lately it all feels new again even though I know it’s not. And I’m grateful. So…thank you Arizona.
When your life or work or whatever you’re doing becomes a chore, it’s probably time to stop, reevaluate, and figure out what the hell it is you really want to do. Don’t ignore the signs. You feeling bad, means it’s time to stop, think,
And another thing….happiness is so freaking overrated. Some people have said to me, “You don’t seem really happy.” And I’ll be honest, if you’re expecting me to walk around laughing and smiling and telling you about how great my life is all the time…you won’t get it. I have days when I’m crying. I have moments when I’m lonely, I have days where getting out of bed just is not my first priority and you know what? So what? That’s okay. It’s okay. From what I remember, that too is also allowed. Don’t drink the kool-aid…unless you want to. But at least be aware of it.
Oh my gosh people just be! lol That’s what I’m bursting to say right now. Just be! I’m laughing right now. But let’s keep it honest: I’m so sick of hiding. Be. lol! Just be…
Sometimes, when we care about someone, our tendency might be to want to hold on to them. But control is an illusion. And sometimes, when you really care about someone, you have got to let them go.
Let them go. Whoever they are. Let them go.
Speak your truth because once you lose your voice it can be very difficult to get it back.
That is all.
*drops mic and walks away*
I applied for a new specialty today.
But here’s my question…
Am I suppose to have all my ducks in a row? I don’t know. Am I suppose to know everything? I couldn’t tell you. Granted, yes, I am trying to find my niche and there’s things being sorted out on the relationship ‘sphere at the moment. But right now…right now everything is different.
Arizona (like Iowa and Texas) has been good for me. And like I’ve been saying over and over there’s just some things that I just can’t and won’t do anymore. If anyone is looking for a girl/woman who has life all figured out and some serious self-help advice, then I am not the one to go to. I am not going to preach to you about the pursuit of happiness or peace of mind, etc. Of course I’ll try to help. But I don’t have all the answers. I’m growing, sure. I have moments when I’m happy,sad, angry, confused, miserable, etc. I make mistakes. My mind races from time to time (as is evidenced by my earlier posts). I do dumb shit at times. But…meh…I’m sick of coming down hard on myself all the time too.
So much of life is out of my control and yet there I was trying to dictate the outcomes. Maybe it made me feel safer, more secure, to believe I knew the exact way in which I influenced the world around me and vice versa. There I was, constantly trying to project myself into some unknown future, constantly trying to control something that hasn’t happened and isn’t guaranteed to happen, stressing myself out, and for what?
I’ve always been called a very ambitious person, making goals and plans, plans and agendas. Maybe I felt I had an image to uphold. Maybe I thought I wouldn’t grow
if I didn’t have a tight and very filled schedule. That’s always been my excuse, “If I don’t do something, how am I suppose to grow?” I decided I needed to avoid reincarnation. I didn’t want to come back. I played it like a game in that I had to collect it all in order to be approved for the next level. Not cars, clothes, shoes, but spiritually, relationships, travel, school, work, debt it was still part of the game for me. So I had to do something. It’s always something.
My mind can’t solve this puzzle, this labyrinth, this mind-fuck. There’s no end. There’s never enough. There’s always “some thing”, or “someone”, or “some place”, or “some job”, or “some school”, or “some tactic”. Or I could die right now.
I don’t feel like running anymore. My ego has been fighting so hard to stay alive and to remain relevant but now I’m tired. It’s always something. There’s always something. A more lucrative job, more money, more friends, a better relationship, not enough personality, a better life, more success. It’s always something. There’s never enough. There’s always something to worry about. Not finding a new job if I leave this one, not making more friends, not being smart enough, not being qualified enough, always something. There’s always something you have to do in order to make your life better. You have to do something. Always do something. It just never feels like it ends.