In meditation I heard, “It’s out of my control”. I then hear, “Why don’t you Cry?”. Both are songs. But the lyrics kept coming to mind. And then I swelled with tears and found myself crying as I heard, “Come closer”.
So many fears swelled up inside of me relating to work. I feared death. Not actual dying per se. But I cried again thinking that work, from a heart centered place, would kill me. I’m a nurse. People can be cruel. Their egos can lash out at me in a way that makes me want to break down and cry and most would just look at me and think me “soft”. The ego, my ego, has been trying to protect me from this. Ego is what I have used to block myself from the pain of other’s blows. It hurts. But I often imagine that it’s better than not allowing their ego to actually come in contact with my core. It’s better than letting myself cry, better than letting myself feel it, show it, acknowledge it. It’s suppose to protect me. But I know it’s really trying to protect itself from death.
I think the ego a useful tool. I thought the ego was suppose to keep me out of trouble. But many times it keeps me from feeling connection. I block people, close myself off from them for fear, once again, of dying, possibly even losing “myself” and being hurt again. And then in meditation I cried again. I work tomorrow. What would happen to me if I went to work, unguarded, from my heart centered place as opposed to keeping my ego shields up? “Come closer”. “Let go” and I knew that all of this was easier to do when one had nothing to lose. But what if I do? I love my job. I love travel nursing. I do. Would letting go mean I’d hate it because I’d have no defense? Would I be attacked? Would I die? Death. It all came back to death.
“Close the door”.
And how can I be this when others ego triggers my own? How can I function? I’m going to die. It’s always easier when you have nothing to lose. I’ve explored all my deepest fears. fear of going crazy, fear of “being wrong”, fear of “losing friends”, fear of being delusional. None true. None painfully true anyway. It’s always something. Now it’s fear of being a shitty RN who can’t protect herself from the egotistical blows of patients, MDs, RNs, and PCTs alike. It never ends.
There’s always something to keep the fear alive.
It’s always easier when you have nothing to lose.
“It’s easier for a needle to go through a camel’s eye than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of heaven.” – Mark: 10:25