Images of what my life would be like living from a heart centered place keep coming up. But I find it hard to believe or disbelieve. I’ve been alternating between wrestling with and embracing my ego for so long, testing all that it tells me will lead me to death. Crying, laughing, clinging, lashing out, blocking, chasing, plan after plan of what I need to do in order to survive, in order to escape anxiety and the fear of extinction. There’s always that push of, “I need to do something!”
At this point, I sense the ego feels the need to escape the harshness of nursing. That’s what keeps coming to mind. I need to protect myself. From the harshness of others, from management, from cliquey RNs, PCTs, MDs, from the emotional overload, the pain of death and dying, everything! I’m always on guard, always tense, usually anxious (but less so than I use to be). Always trying to protect myself from some perceived threat. My ego, I think, is trying to protect me.