Control is an Illusion

So much of life is out of my control and yet there I was trying to dictate the outcomes. Maybe it made me feel safer, more secure, to believe I knew the exact way in which I influenced the world around me and vice versa. There I was, constantly t223d8b5b9d304016de6707595d13cf2brying to project myself into some unknown future, constantly trying to control something that hasn’t happened and isn’t guaranteed to happen, stressing myself out, and for what?

I’ve always been called a very ambitious person, making goals and plans, plans and agendas. Maybe I felt I had an image to uphold. Maybe I thought I wouldn’t grow
if I didn’t have a tight and very filled schedule. That’s always been my excuse, “If I don’t do something, how am I suppose to grow?” I decided I needed to avoid reincarnation. I didn’t want to come back. I played it like a game in that I had to collect it all in order to be approved for the next level. Not cars, clothes, shoes, but spiritually, relationships, travel, school, work, debt it was still part of the game for me. So I had to do something. It’s always something.

My mind can’t solve this puzzle, this labyrinth, this mind-fuck. There’s no end. There’s never enough. There’s always “some thing”, or “someone”, or “some place”, or “some job”, or “some school”, or “some tactic”. Or I could die right now.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s