For me, time has a very different feel than it use to. Even though I still feel a longing that I can’t quite explain, I know longer feel time’s crunch. I no longer feel the need to be in control of everything and yet I know I’m the co-creator of my life.
Time, like control and separation from everything else, are illusions. Someone once said to me that time serves to delay manifestations which is an interesting concept. We often perceive time as occurring in a linear fashion when really past, present, and future all occur simultaneously. If I think of this in terms of sharing this experience not only am I wanting to write this story but I am also writing this story, and yet this story has already been written and posted. Everything is happening now.
Just my current thoughts…
Right now, I’m currently training in the Neonatal ICU and hoping to go to graduate school this year. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, because I haven’t been feeling like I’m living up to my full potential. It makes me feel restless. Last year, as some of you know, I got into a doctoral program but turned it down because I was exploring other options and wasn’t quite sure why I wanted to go to graduate school. But I have a greater desire for autonomy and personal fulfillment and I’ve decided to try again. Hopefully, I get the school I want.
I made a five year plan and because of this I’ve decided to go to school full time if I do get in. I’ll be almost 30 and I’m thinking about starting up my own clinic/business overseas where I can provide healthcare in mostly an outpatient setting. I want to work in Primary practice, for myself, so that’s what I’d at least like to start undertaking within the next five years. But the first step is to get recommendations and start applying to grad school.
Readers, do you have a 5 year plan?
So…I’ve been journaling. And I realized that much of the stress that I had been experiencing almost 2 years ago wasn’t and can’t be completely attributed to my ex. I can’t really blame him for not traveling as much I had wanted to or for my weight gain, or for the constant feelings of fatigue that I went through during that time. Was it stressful working a 12 hour shift 3 days a week with a difficult patient population and with increasing work demands only to have an almost 2 hour drive home in traffic and have to counsel him for hours on end about things and situations I had no real control over (e.g.: my race, his “member” size, his job insecurities, his not feeling accomplished even though he had just began his career, his home life)? Yes. Was it pleasant for me to constantly feel like I had to defend myself and our relationship without feeling his support against the onslaught of insults and negative messages he told me his family and friends said about me in regards to my race, my looks, my vagina (She said, “The size of the vagina is built for the race of the man” Seriously?!) and noticing day in and day out how it would affect his resolve to remain in the relationship with me? No. And I’ve asked others how they’d feel if their partner cheated on them and refused to detach from the girl, told them repeatedly that they were settling by being with them, that maybe sex would be better if they were with other girls, that they were basic looking and their mother was encouraging them to cheat or look elsewhere and not ever feeling like their partner stood up for them. It wasn’t pleasant. It was very stressful and wasn’t a very supportive environment or experience for me. Needless to say, it was hard.
I did travel quite a bit last year as a result of it, just trying to make sense of what happened, what it all meant, because I know what I experienced wasn’t fair, wasn’t right, was very isolating, confusing, and was a very toxic environment for me. But it wasn’t all his fault. I had lost touch with myself in trying to make him happy and in trying to keep the relationship together and progressing all while trying to manage the stress of my first RN job on a very fast paced unit with a very difficult patient population. I think in some ways I was brainwashed, not by my family, but by some of my online encounters. I wanted a relationship like what I had read about and hadn’t taken into consideration that this person might not be the one to have that with at this time (or possibly ever) or that what they were posting about online might not actually be what I need or what is essential for a nurturing environment for myself. But I’ve come to see I’m very strong, that I am pretty (even if I’m not everyone’s cup of tea), that I do belong in this universe, that people look up to me, admire me even, that I’m good at what I do, and I’m actually a lot further along in my development than I realized I would be at this stage and I do attribute much of that growth to traveling, travel nursing, and to the people I met during my year long excursion.
I asked in an earlier blog if it was necessary to know everything. Is knowing everything and “figuring out” everything a necessary part of evolution?
A few weeks ago I was intent on having another OBE and it dawned on me that I was intent on this because I believed on some level that this was a necessary part of evolution. “How can I experience ‘miracles’ if I had not yet mastered ‘magic’? ” As I laid supine, eyes closed, my mind wandering as thoughts and images raced and floated past my mind’s eye, I tensed, experienced fatigued, mental exhaustion that often required me to sleep after each unsuccessful attempt at OBEs. In the days and weeks since this belief arose to my conscious self, work resumed, life continued on. And a new thought arose. “How can I experience anything at all if I have not yet mastered fear?”
“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to the mountain ‘move here, to there’ and it will move…”-Matthew 17:20
I’ve been afraid of having an OBE despite my many attempts to do so. I’ve been afraid of what I’d see and as a result my body tenses up making me unable to truly leave my body for long. I’ve had one moment of remote viewing since my last OBE attempt but I did not leave my body, only viewed (through my mind’s eye) other, beautiful dimensions. And I know now that we exist in many dimensions. I realize that there are many other worlds and that I exist, simultaneously, there too.
But what does that mean? It means that in another dimension, in an alternate universe, I chose to be a counselor. It means that I’m a mother, a wife, a spiritual nomad/priestess/prophetess/shaman, in some other dimension and these are all playing out simultaneously while I am here playing the role of RN. It means, that if I choose (and with the right conditions), I can manifest all these things in this dimension because they already exist in another dimension. I’m learning on many spheres, not just one. And I’m connected to all of this (because there is no separation, only the illusion of separation).
But there was the fear. I was sitting in my NICU class thinking about this (on my down time of course) and I realized how little of said fear was truly necessary. I’ve been encouraging my cousin to embrace all of herself (her gifts included) and here I am resisting what seems to happen naturally for me when my mind clears and I allow whatever happens, to happen.