It’s the hardest thing for me to admit that I’ve lost all hope and faith in my life path. Since August of 2015, I resolved to pay complete attention to myself and to trust myself. After making that decision, I was fortunate enough to be able to have many of my intuitions confirmed. It helped me to gain more confidence in myself. That said, since I’ve been paying attention to myself and trusting the information I’ve been receiving, it’s become difficult to ignore my burn out symptoms, and far more difficult to cope. I’m very sure that what I’ve decided for myself so far no longer makes me happy or has meaning.
The truth is I’ve been burning out for a while now. I don’t think I’ve been very high functioning for years. I’ve been coping. But during that time, I’ve had panic attacks, anxiety, tension headaches, and migraines. Whenever I felt myself slipping again (dropping below coping level), I’d do whatever needed to be done to get back to a level of coping. But I haven’t been thriving. And this no longer feels okay to me.
Lately, my work situation feels exhausting. I know in my heart that this is not what I want to do, but I’ve been trying to hang in there anyway. And it’s hard. It doesn’t help that I have a preceptor who doesn’t understand patience and doesn’t know how to speak to people respectfully. I’ve been breaking down again. Here’s my symptoms:
- Random bouts of crying and sadness
- Sleeping more and taking longer to get out of bed
- Feeling like I’m doing more but getting less out of it
- Lack of will or reserve to give more
- Tension headaches
- Moments of black out
- Inability to retain information
- Nervous laughter
- Isolating myself
- Feeling of impending doom
Sadly, nothing seems to give me comfort anymore. And I’m at a point where I just want to stop. Stop everything. Recalibrate. Because I KNOW that whatever I was doing or am doing isn’t working for me.
I’m not happy.