I’ve been looking back on my old blogs. Many of them have spoken on wanting to trust myself completely, giving myself validation, seeking within and relying on the information that I pick up. And now here I am, working on a unit whose culture focuses primarily on giving oneself feedback and support, being an advocate for oneself, and giving oneself the validation they need to grow and be proud of themselves. In essence, I asked for this!
This last week on the unit, I focused solely on giving myself positive reinforcement. There were moments when I wanted to turn to my preceptor and ask her, “How am I doing?” I wanted the validation that I was on the right track. But I didn’t ask. Instead I asked myself, “Did you assess your patients properly? Are they breathing? Does anything seem abnormal with them? Do you feel comfortable with the results of your assessment?” And if the answer was yes then I said, “You’re doing just fine.” There were moments when she rolled her eyes at me but I stopped taking it to heart or as a measure of my own shortcomings (even if her frustration was projected towards me). I’m still learning and while I think it’s great that she knows what she’s doing or that others are able to move faster, I’m comfortable with the fact that I am improving.
This experience has made me more cognizant of the fact that while we may not be in control of everything that happens in our lives (case in point: I didn’t plan for a Burnout nor did I expect these symptoms), we do help to attract certain situations and people to us by our beliefs and desires. I wrote about my desires many months ago. Now, here I am on a unit where people pride themselves on confidence and self-assuredness. I am being forced through burnout, as well as through environmental circumstances, to look to myself and surrender the expectation that others will provide me with validation and the encouragement I need to continue forward. The very habit I had acquired while in college of self-doubt, of seeking out others I considered authorities to decide my life for me, has become virtually impossible because there is no one around willing to do that anymore. While I think a good preceptor should be available for guidance and be supportive and encouraging of their orientee, on a personal development level, I’ve found greater inner satisfaction and confidence from the lack of support and outer – validation. Why? Because I’ve begun giving it to myself.