I’ve been talking extensively about Self-Confidence lately. I’ve figured out that nobody (not even my mom) is going to advocate for me. And I no longer expect them to. In a perfect world, I think they would, or should. But we all know that shoulds are not absolutes.
I mentioned that I no longer ask my preceptor for feedback, but rather opt to give it to myself (because I think she works to try and make me seem incompetent to others). Well, yesterday, while speaking with my mom, I tried to open up about my preceptor and how I’m working on giving myself feedback. Let me just start by saying that mom and I are very different and tend to see life very differently. So I shouldn’t have been too surprised by her reaction. At some point during the conversation my mom said, “you have a lot of insecurities.” So I asked her what are my insecurities hoping to get feedback (she did, after all, make the comment). Her response was, “I don’t know. You have to tell me what your insecurities are since you know yourself better than me. So don’t ask me what your insecurities are.” I was livid by her reaction. I knew for me I was trying to open up to her but she used it as an opportunity to express her power. Her reaction was like that of my preceptor.
She acknowledged my preceptor was rude but felt I was the brunt of the problem by not seeming 100% confident at work. At that point, a switch turned off in me. Whatever emotional support I was hoping to find in the external, was not going to come from anyone in my present circumstances, if ever. Why did I even bother trying? Because she’s my mother. Unfortunately, receiving emotional support where one would expect to find it is not a luxury that I can always afford. We have to play with the cards we were dealt. I also needed to think about this objectively. My mother is still her own person and, as mentioned earlier, we often see life very differently from each other. So, while it would’ve been nice to have received her support and approval, I also know that at my age, it’s not exactly necessary.
We all want to be approved of. It’s normal. However, when people refuse to or are unable to give it, where are you going to get your approval from? So again, I was reminded. Hopefully this time I have learned and won’t forget.