Stop

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Sometimes, when we reach a point where we don’t know where we are going, it’s best to just stop. 

I’ve been using the suggestions in Dina Glouberman’s book “The Joy of Burnout” and one of the suggestions included visualizing yourself having a conversation with Life. I invited Life to join me for a cup of tea. We sat across from each other and I asked Life, “Why do you always feel like a constant uphill battle? Why, over the last several years have I had to work so hard?” And Life said, “Because you believed that you had to prove your strength, you constantly sought out challenges and obstacles to overcome. You ignored everything that came easily for you, calling it undeserved, and opted instead to go after what required struggle.” 

Life is right. My Ego has been addicted to struggle.In addition to that, I’ve been stubborn. I could feel in my heart and soul when something wasn’t right for me and yet I continued to fight for it because of the investments I had made. Long after my soul withdrew it’s energy, leaving me to my own devices, I’d continue to trudge on. And that’s Burnout: When your will alone can no longer continue down a road you already knew was the wrong one. 

Last night, after returning to the present, committing myself to the truth, and agreeing to listen to my heart and soul regardless of the cost, I had another “anxiety-like attack”. It usually feels like my core is shaken. I wanted to know why this happened. Why the anxiety-like attacks. What is the fear? The answer I got was: I‘ve committed yourself to living the truth and listening to your heart and soul. I’m scared of being wrong, but I can’t and don’t want to go back to the girl I use to be. That said, I go back to work on Thursday and most of all, I’m afraid of regressing. I’m scared of regressing and going back to listening to my fears, doubts, and the opinions of others. I want to continue living from my core, living from my heart and soul because there is no joy in the way I use to live anymore. Nevertheless, my core is still shaken.

I wish I could guarantee that the choices I have made for myself would yield better results but I can’t say that anymore. I don’t know where I’m going. So I’ve stopped and have been waiting with myself. Thursday will get here when it gets here. All I’ve done is all I can do. I’ve exhausted who I was and all I can do is just be. Now.

 

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