Taken from: strengthguild.com
I learned long ago that there is no perfect man, perfect relationship, perfect house, perfect life. But for some reason, that never stopped me from looking for the perfect career or job situation. I think about the many times I’ve come home complaining about my work life and feeling dissatisfied with my coworkers, management, the patient population. It’s ironic because I have always worked in an environment and with a patient population that I wanted to work with. I chose med-surg with the adult population and when I became bored I chose a faster pace environment. After that, I chose to do travel nursing and I chose all the states I wanted to go to. And when I was bored with med-surg I chose to transition to Telemetry and then over to the NICU. All of which I got. In addition, I also got into graduate school, my first choice school. Nevertheless, I remained dissatisfied and panicked about work.
Yesterday, while driving in my car, I decided to have a chat with myself and with God. I told Him that I was feeling anxious because I didn’t know what to expect once I get to work and I will never know. I told Him that I know that I no amount of spiritual gifts can tell me exactly what’s going to happen at every minute of every second of everyday. I told Him that by grounding myself in the present that I can feel everything much more strongly and that I know I need to stop trying to control the future. I told Him that I know now that the unexpected is a normal part of this life and I accept it.And then a thought came to me.
There is no perfect job.
It’s as simple as that. When I chose to enter the NICU, I wanted a patient population that was less physically demanding. I got it. I wanted a population where the families were more grateful. I got it. I hoped for a better relationship with the doctors. I got it. When I chose nursing, I wanted a job where no matter where I went, I would have a job. I got it. I didn’t want to work 5 days a week but I wanted to make a full salary. I got it. I wanted job flexibility. I got it.
Sometimes, my coworkers get on my nerves. But mean people and assholes are everywhere and in every profession. I wish I had less paperwork. But I work in healthcare and paperwork is a part of the job. Patient’s and family members can get on my nerves sometimes. But what can I say? This the population I chose to serve. And I
used to get anxious, very anxious, when I don’t know what kind of patient is going to come through the door. But I won’t always know and sometimes things happen unexpectedly. That’s not just the nature of my career, it’s life. It’s how things go that, “until I learn to accept the unexpected as normal, I’d always feel anxious.”
So, with the realization that there is no perfect job, perfect anything in this life, I’ve chosen to ground myself in the present and listen to the inner messages I’ve gotten so far.
My third eye continues to close. I was told that it was because of fear that I carry whether conscious or unconscious. I was told that it had to do with 2 past life events, one related to suicide and another to servitude. In one I “saw” but didn’t want to “see” and another where I was punished for seeing. I was told that these experiences taught me that I needed to struggle to earn God’s love. Last year, while traveling, I realized that struggle is not necessary for growth and this changed the way I lived my life and perceived my connection with the Divine. I also resolved to trust myself completely. That said, I don’t think it stopped me from stifling a part of my spirit.
I know that some years back I began to have spiritual experiences that resulted in me “seeing”, “hearing”, leaving my body, and increased intuitive abilities like feeling and sensing energy. But it left me panicked. I wanted to control my changes and the fear of the unknown left me feeling anxious.
Last night, I decided to speak with myself and ask about the fear. I told her that I want to incorporate all of who I am. I wanted to know what the fear was. She told me. She knows she’s not in control of everything in her life. She knows that she couldn’t possibly know all the outcomes of her decisions. But she wanted to avoid the pain of traveling a less beaten path. She wanted to avoid the unexpected. She said she wanted to be more like the woman she had met, but since this woman had not mentioned anything like what she was going through, she tried to forget it. She liked being different, but not too different.
My wiser self told her that she has no clue what the outcome of everything she does will be. My wiser self told her that there was nothing to fear, only to understand. My wiser self reminded her that she was not and is not that woman she had met, the differences which became visibly apparent last year. My wiser self said that even if I was different from everyone I knew (something which I now know isn’t completely true), I’m still normal. I’m normal for me. My wiser self told her (now me) that until I accept the unexpected as normal, then my anxiety will continue.
I’m anxious. And I know I’ve been avoiding the present because in the present I feel things, I can sense energy, I can occasionally “see” (usually out of the corner of my eye), I “hear” things, and at times I get messages telepathically. My intuition is also stronger. But in the present, the unexpected happens, things I might not be able to control. I was trying to avoid it or control it, just as she was. Which is why I chose to turn back when all of these abilities started to emerge. I was scared, couldn’t find anyone in my life who could support me and guide me, and I was not confident enough in myself. I don’t want to go backwards anymore or run. And my third eye opening and remaining open is a part of it. But it requires that I remain present, in addition to being my authentic self and allowing myself to feel and not run from all the energies I detect here.
Working in the NICU has been a rollercoaster ride for me, for sure. The last few months my self-doubt has been at an all time high. I question every decision I make, every compliment I get, every reaction or action given by my coworkers, family, and those around me. My sleep has been frequently disturbed. I’ve texted old friends to try and reconnect, I’ve ventured back to getting readings from a spiritually gifted friend.
Prior to joining the NICU, I went from reaching a level of almost complete confidence in the work I do and who I am, so much so that 2-3 shifts was enough for me to feel comfortable working almost anywhere with the adult population (minus ICU). Working in the NICU cut me down to size and made me feel like a new graduate nurse all over again. Needless to say that took a lot of energy out of me, especially because there was a part of me that didn’t want to return to the basics of life and learning again. It’s funny because my goal for this year was stress reduction/management, yet I found myself not only transitioning to a new specialty and patient population entirely, but also taking on the task of attending graduate school. In addition to this, I’ve added frequent workouts to my routine (spin class and body pump). In all honesty, I feel even less stressed than I did last year or in the years prior. While my difficult time on orientation and the frequent uncertainty of the NICU experience has caused me the most stress so far this year, I do feel as though my stress levels are becoming better managed and consequently reduced. I’m having fun in my life.
The thing I miss the most right now is good sex and an attentive partner. While I’d like my third eye chakra to open up in addition to all the other good that’s happened in my life so far, I want to make love. I actually miss it.
Blacklist: A list of people, organizations, etc, that are disapproved of, or that are to be punished or avoided.
I’ve decided it’s time to update my blacklist. On this list are people (mostly) that have shown themselves to be untrustworthy, cruel, isolating, or belittling. Maliciously so. This list includes former friends, family members, coworkers, friends of family, etc. In the last two years, I have met and distanced myself from several people who have not treated me well. I forgave them, but I hadn’t updated my list. This is crucial, because it means that I was still wrestling with the lesson of it all. However, after many of my recent events, I felt it was time to add a few more names.
The thing about forgiveness and vulnerability is that it doesn’t have to make you meek. It doesn’t have to allow you to have the same people attempt to hurt you again and again. Otherwise, what have you learned? What was your take away from the experience? Some people are just down right malicious and toxic and you owe it to yourself to distance from that!
I’ve added 6 new people (as well as their energy pattern) to the list. That way, I know to steer clear of anyone or anything that reminds me of their energy signature. Some experiences aren’t worth repeating. But I have learned. For one thing, and this is part of my confession, my experiences with my preceptor and some of my friends has caused me to take a good look at myself and my own views. I think because I wanted a life very similar to a woman I admired, I might’ve had a preoccupation with Asians. I’d often find that because of my preoccupation, most of my “friends” (and yes, my ex) were Asian. But they never really had my best interest at heart. Many of them were
racist ignorant. I remember many of their remarks and I wish I had the courage in myself to have distanced from them sooner or call them out on it. But I didn’t. Now, I look at them the way I do everyone else. So I learned to take some people off the pedestal, and to let some investments go.
And with that said, I think I could use a good cry.
I recently wrote about the uncertainty I felt in regards to whether I’d actually learned my lessons in regards to a previous relationship. Well today, I got my answer.
Today, while speaking with my aunt, I told her about how in the past I would often go out of my way to try and make others feel comfortable. I did this often to my own discomfort. They’d insult me, say
racist ignorant things to me, isolate me, and I’d let them. I remember distinct moments in college where I’d have people power walk away from me only to have them become super friendly around an all white circle. One of them, while in conversation, later remarked, “I wasn’t comfortable talking to black people then.” I remember many of those experiences and the pain I felt. I was open and welcoming. Unfortunately, they were not.
At the time, I was under a very strong delusion and would often try to ignore my inner knowing so that I could continue to maintain the comfort of my discomfort. I told my aunt about the many efforts I’d go to (making my voice higher pitched, lowering my head, laughing at everything, seeming more playful, immature, and more emotional) in order to try and make my asian friends feel more comfortable around me. In truth, it worked. But I wasn’t being myself and many of them were still ignorant and carried racist ideas about Blacks. I remember the lengths I’d go to in order to try and speak with White females, how many of them would ignore me, walk away from me, give each other a quick glance and then proceed to talk around me, or just ignore me. They’d often only talk to me when they felt I could do something for them or when others who looked like them welcomed me. They knew what they were. I told my aunt that I let all of that go because I realized that I’d rather not try to force anyone to try and like me. Why should I make myself uncomfortable in order to make others feel comfortable? Why was I trying to forget myself while these people continued to affirm their ignorant ideas and attitudes often unabashed and with pride? I look back and shake my head sometimes at the girl I use to be. These people did not deserve my friendship, nor did they want it. I told my aunt, “Never again”. And I found that mixed within that chapter of my life known as Nice Girl, Can You Please Speak Up and Acknowledge Who You Are? was my ex, his family, and his friends. And I realized that the answer was the same. “Never again”.
I’m not worried about regressing anymore to my own egoic ambitions. Why? Because I spoke up and know what I am. And that’s all that matters.