I’m currently processing everything. Grad school, NICU, a way out from under a difficult preceptor’s wing. I got all the things I really wanted. Coincidentally, it came after I committed to living truthfully. Not just trusting myself, but allowing the truth to permeate other areas of my life. It’s progress.
After committing to live my life truthfully/sincerely, I’ve been faced with other aspects of myself that I did not want to acknowledge in the past. It’s hard to admit truths about ourselves when they’re painful or seem to go against everything we claim to stand for. I recently came to the realization that I had invested a lot of time in the relationship with one of exes because he was Asian, and not because he enriched my life in any way. This was hard for me to admit to myself, let alone to others. There was a part of me that wanted to prove that a mix like ours could exist. I wanted to transcend racial divides. I also wanted a relationship like one of the women I so admired growing up. And so I tried to make him my “twin” or “the one”. Not because he really was, but because of the image and plans I had for the relationship and the time I had invested into making the relationship work. I’ve had to let that all go but I’m still processing and here’s why: I often wonder if, knowing what I do now, about the racism and disapproval I experienced from his friends and family, the hostile and unwelcoming environment they made for me, about his own insecurities, cheating tendencies, the lack of support from him, and the overall feeling of stress and exhaustion I felt from being in a relationship with him, would I do it all over again?
I want my resounding answer to be loud and bold “No” or simply to say, “I can’t” much as I do when I think of all the others who have come and gone in my life. But my actual answer is “I don’t know”. And it makes me ask myself, “Have I learned nothing?” If he, for some reason, chose to contact me to chat over coffee, or meet for dinner to ask for another chance, would I, despite my natural aversion to him and inner self calling for me to leave him behind, ignore all my natural urges, dreams, and instincts and take him back? Would my ego again take over and I regress by forsaking my own inner knowing to give this sorry, confused sap a third chance at draining my energy? And for what? A chance at being a living breathing example that true love can and does transcend all barriers(despite it not actually being true love)? Or will I listen to my heart and inner knowing and opt to live truthfully, confessing my true reasons for my previous die-hard efforts, going with what feels most natural and honest (because I understand that struggle is not always necessary for growth) and forsaking that egoic desire to be a political example of what’s right and possible.
What would I do? That’s a question I cannot answer.