I recently wrote about the uncertainty I felt in regards to whether I’d actually learned my lessons in regards to a previous relationship. Well today, I got my answer.
Today, while speaking with my aunt, I told her about how in the past I would often go out of my way to try and make others feel comfortable. I did this often to my own discomfort. They’d insult me, say
racist ignorant things to me, isolate me, and I’d let them. I remember distinct moments in college where I’d have people power walk away from me only to have them become super friendly around an all white circle. One of them, while in conversation, later remarked, “I wasn’t comfortable talking to black people then.” I remember many of those experiences and the pain I felt. I was open and welcoming. Unfortunately, they were not.
At the time, I was under a very strong delusion and would often try to ignore my inner knowing so that I could continue to maintain the comfort of my discomfort. I told my aunt about the many efforts I’d go to (making my voice higher pitched, lowering my head, laughing at everything, seeming more playful, immature, and more emotional) in order to try and make my asian friends feel more comfortable around me. In truth, it worked. But I wasn’t being myself and many of them were still ignorant and carried racist ideas about Blacks. I remember the lengths I’d go to in order to try and speak with White females, how many of them would ignore me, walk away from me, give each other a quick glance and then proceed to talk around me, or just ignore me. They’d often only talk to me when they felt I could do something for them or when others who looked like them welcomed me. They knew what they were. I told my aunt that I let all of that go because I realized that I’d rather not try to force anyone to try and like me. Why should I make myself uncomfortable in order to make others feel comfortable? Why was I trying to forget myself while these people continued to affirm their ignorant ideas and attitudes often unabashed and with pride? I look back and shake my head sometimes at the girl I use to be. These people did not deserve my friendship, nor did they want it. I told my aunt, “Never again”. And I found that mixed within that chapter of my life known as Nice Girl, Can You Please Speak Up and Acknowledge Who You Are? was my ex, his family, and his friends. And I realized that the answer was the same. “Never again”.
I’m not worried about regressing anymore to my own egoic ambitions. Why? Because I spoke up and know what I am. And that’s all that matters.