Remember in my last blog post I mentioned that I’ve been wanting to have sex ( See: Take Ownership of Your Own Soul)? Well, I have been. I have been having wonderful, fantastic, glorious, sex. The memory of my previous experiences were washed away. I found myself enjoying life so much more because I opened myself up to this energy of fun, light-hearted sex. This man and I aren’t in a relationship. We acknowledge we like each other and are attracted to each other. Most days we just go with the flow and let whatever happens, happen naturally. And I like that. It sounds so hippie-ish, right? But I promise it isn’t. It’s actually quite casual and I’ve been enjoying this experience a bit more than the emotionally charged experience of my previous relationships. I haven’t craved “deep and heavy” in a long time.
I have a guy friend (we aren’t sexual) who is very emotionally charged, who seems to naturally want deep thought and heavy emotional conversations. He often takes the conversation in that route. And while there’s a part of me that remembers those days and those old cravings for deep thought and heavy emotional conversations (thinking emotions and deep thoughts were all that was real), I don’t long to go back to it. Here’s the thing: Thoughts and emotions help to attract the things that you want (or don’t want). And they change all the time. As someone who has had panic attacks (and some depression) I think they’re worth listening to and acknowledging. But I know the effect thoughts and emotions can have on the body and on one’s will. “As a man thinketh so is he?” Remember that? It’s like that. We generate these thoughts and these emotions (all energy) and we use it to attract things whether consciously or unconsciously and create our reality. In addition to that…every little thing in life is not in our control. Shit happens, man. And sometimes we just need to take things as they come and rise to the occasion as oppose to clinging to what was and allowing it to fuel deep emotions and heavy thoughts that lend its ear to navel gazing and the unfortunate belief that we are helpless and stuck. Life ebbs and flows. Go with it.
With all that said, I’m really grateful for this last year and for all that I’ve learned, the people I’ve met, the places I’ve been, the chances I’ve taken, the books I’ve read, the articles I’ve found because it’s allowed me let go and to move forward. I haven’t been writing much, I know. It’s because I’ve been enjoying just being without constantly fighting with myself. I know what it’s like to feel that crippling doubt about oneself and one’s beliefs and perceptions and it feels so good to finally cease fire and to just be whether or not others approve. Better yet, it feels good to think for myself without questioning whether or not others will approve. It’s not depth, it’s expansion. It’s…freedom.
The thing about ourselves is that our real selves is not one giant bundle of good traits. Coming face to face with who you are, you discover that it’s not always this perfect tapestry of pure goodness and beauty. I know we all want to believe that we are, but we aren’t. We’re multifaceted. Who I am is a full array of many things and while they’re not all good, I don’t consider myself a “bad” person.
Recently, I renounced my vows to follow a certain prescribed spiritual path while refusing to take up another. Why? Because I discovered that doing so was necessary in order to grow and to embrace myself in its entirety. It came down to ownership. I don’t want to have anyone or anything controlling me anymore. And I felt as though spirituality as I knew it and defined it was holding me back. I felt trapped because I found myself changing and yet unable to truly embrace those changes because the old me and the old ideas I carried limited that growth. Example: Lately, I’ve found myself wanting to be a part of this world and to engage in it with much focus, to learn from it. But because of my old ideas and desire to “leave” this world (because that’s what you do when you’re ‘spiritual’ and ‘evolving’), it felt like I was pushing against the grain in order to do what I wanted to do. It felt like my intuition and I were no longer in sync and I think it’s because my intuition and I really weren’t in sync. Intuition is not always right. Honestly, I think my intuition was trying to guide me in the direction of my old desires and was not focused on helping me embrace the new, undiscovered, untouched, sides of myself. It just felt like everything in my life was geared towards sacrifice, lowliness, and servitude, ideas which no longer align with what I believe and feel to be absolute truth in my heart (though on some level still a part of who I am). I felt like there was more to life than this. And there is.
The truth is that while I have found “spirituality” as many know it, to be entertaining and enlightening, it’s not one dimensional. I need to do this my own way. For one thing, I want sex, not to sit in deep meditation, or to go inward to discover who I am. I’m listening to my body and I feel for sex. The ascetic life, which I had once sought after and held as the gold standard of true growth and spirituality, does not support this. I’m not wrong for wanting sex. But to carry deeply held beliefs about the value and virtue of the ascetic lifestyle over all else is to create a barrier within myself that keeps me from experiencing what I need. A barrier which will keep me from experiencing other aspects of myself and will prevent all sides of me to exist in one life form.
The new me which I am now getting to know is hungry. It knows that while it’s important to trust one’s intuition to listen to one’s heart that neither is always right. And that’s something that not many people today want to acknowledge. Your intuition is not always right. But then again, it’s not about being right. It’s about learning. Which is why I choose focus, determination, and to listen to myself. And if choosing to be my own boss by taking ownership of myself and my soul growth is what I need, then so be it.