Remember in my last blog post I mentioned that I’ve been wanting to have sex ( See: Take Ownership of Your Own Soul)? Well, I have been. I have been having wonderful, fantastic, glorious, sex. The memory of my previous experiences were washed away. I found myself enjoying life so much more because I opened myself up to this energy of fun, light-hearted sex. This man and I aren’t in a relationship. We acknowledge we like each other and are attracted to each other. Most days we just go with the flow and let whatever happens, happen naturally. And I like that. It sounds so hippie-ish, right? But I promise it isn’t. It’s actually quite casual and I’ve been enjoying this experience a bit more than the emotionally charged experience of my previous relationships. I haven’t craved “deep and heavy” in a long time.
I have a guy friend (we aren’t sexual) who is very emotionally charged, who seems to naturally want deep thought and heavy emotional conversations. He often takes the conversation in that route. And while there’s a part of me that remembers those days and those old cravings for deep thought and heavy emotional conversations (thinking emotions and deep thoughts were all that was real), I don’t long to go back to it. Here’s the thing: Thoughts and emotions help to attract the things that you want (or don’t want). And they change all the time. As someone who has had panic attacks (and some depression) I think they’re worth listening to and acknowledging. But I know the effect thoughts and emotions can have on the body and on one’s will. “As a man thinketh so is he?” Remember that? It’s like that. We generate these thoughts and these emotions (all energy) and we use it to attract things whether consciously or unconsciously and create our reality. In addition to that…every little thing in life is not in our control. Shit happens, man. And sometimes we just need to take things as they come and rise to the occasion as oppose to clinging to what was and allowing it to fuel deep emotions and heavy thoughts that lend its ear to navel gazing and the unfortunate belief that we are helpless and stuck. Life ebbs and flows. Go with it.
With all that said, I’m really grateful for this last year and for all that I’ve learned, the people I’ve met, the places I’ve been, the chances I’ve taken, the books I’ve read, the articles I’ve found because it’s allowed me let go and to move forward. I haven’t been writing much, I know. It’s because I’ve been enjoying just being without constantly fighting with myself. I know what it’s like to feel that crippling doubt about oneself and one’s beliefs and perceptions and it feels so good to finally cease fire and to just be whether or not others approve. Better yet, it feels good to think for myself without questioning whether or not others will approve. It’s not depth, it’s expansion. It’s…freedom.