Over the last few months, I’ve been having a growing dissatisfaction with my career and specialty. It hit an all time high two weeks ago. So I packed my bags and went to Trinidad. I needed to get away. Something about my life felt very unnatural. When I came back from Trinidad and returned to work, the feeling compounded. I’ve been trying to understand this. Why do I always start something with huge amounts of enthusiasm only to hate it 3-4 months later? This is my pattern. Tennis, Track, Field hockey, Travel nursing, Med surg, Nursing school, Nursing, middle school, high school, I always start off super excited only to find myself despising what I do later and wanting to quit. Now it’s the NICU. “I’m so over it”.
I keep saying that that these experiences make me feel institutionalized and unnatural. I certainly don’t feel free. There’s so many rules, so many expectations on how I’m suppose to act or say or do or dress. In nursing, many hospitals make it so that you HAVE to say specific things to your patients. You have a mantra you have to repeat and it’s so robotic. Sometimes in social settings within these organizations, there’s the expectation that one has to be a certain way in order to fit. What about my creativity? What about my freedom?
This has always been something I struggle with. Not feeling like I belong in any particular institution or system and knowing that I’m an outcast, even when I have a good relationship with everyone else there. I keep coming back, hoping something will change within them, that maybe I’ll find a mainstream system that works for me and allows me to contribute while still feeling natural. But once again, I feel like I’m being asked to let go.