I’ve been gone for a while. I know. But I never stopped writing. I’ve just been finding my core and purpose in my life again. The last few years has felt like one very long “phase” where I’ve had to find balance and surrender. As someone who learned long ago about the power of manifestation (without really knowing the words), letting go hasn’t been easy for me and for a long time I lost my way, constantly fighting with myself.
I use to think that I had to constantly act on life in order to make things how I want them to be. There were so many ideas that I carried that kept me in situations that I don’t necessarily want or even really need to be in. Through meditation, I’ve observed so much about myself, many of which I’ve kept a journal on, but that I will not transcribe here. But one thing I did observe was my desire to constantly want to exert my own power on life instead of allowing the Divine to work through me.
I’ve been observing the way in which my ego mind continues to attempt to maintain control by sending images that create fear in me. It morphs. It attempts to distract me, to show me the ways in which I need it. Yesterday, it sent me images that exerted the need for testing and bill paying saying what am I going to do if it didn’t remind me? How would I remain out of debt and continue my benefits if it didn’t exert its pressure? It tried to justify the need to constantly be in a state of action and doing. I was tempted to react, especially as my heart began to race with all the images it sent me. But I chose to sit and observe.