Tell The Truth: Coming Clean

Dear blog,

I have been trying to learn what is true of me and what isn’t. I have learned that I am not as quiet as I make myself seem, that this was a part of a self I created to fit in with a seemingly harsh world.

Another thing I have come to realize is that when I try to control everything, I am not living in the moment. I am not seeing clearly, I exhaust myself, and I suffer.

Last week in counseling I created a circle around myself using yarn to demonstrate my boundary. I learned that I have not been true to my boundary. I have been feeling crushed, stifled, suffocated, exhausted constantly as my boundaries are pushed, squeezed, overstepped. I took a break from my family this week to better discover what is true for me vs. What I have taken in from them. I’ve been telling the the raw, honest truth and allowing the chips to fall where they may.

Today, I am miserable. I have a boyfriend who wants mostly to smoke weed and play world of warcraft. As he enters his own world to play this game he almost seems to forget I am in the room for hours. This is hurtful to me. I have family who exhaust me. I don’t have a home to call my own. I failed a grad school class and will have to retake it. I wish I cared more about this. But what I care about most is that I don’t know what is real of me right now. For years I was sure that the me I was becoming was the real me. Was true. But it was a form of self deception. It was an illusion. I was imitating someone else. I didn’t even realize it. This is what was stripped away from me some years back. The ability to live in the illusion and feel happy or content.

I am going to continue to tell the truth to myself as I live in the present moment and work to unravel and uproot that which is false within me. I am committed to the truth, even if what uproots is ugly. I am sorry to all those I offend along the way of uprooting the lies that I have carried in my bosom all these years. But this is my blog and my place of healing. This is where the truth must be told.

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“People” Don’t Need To Know Everything

I’ve been embracing my spiritual path and allowing it to take me in the direction it wants to take me in. One of the barriers I’ve been examining that prevented me from embracing my spiritual experiences was the desire I had to want to share everything with my family. I reasoned that if I couldn’t share it, I shouldn’t do it, often negating the reasons as to why I didn’t want to share certain things with my family.

My family is enmeshed with each other. Within this unit I felt I was only allowed to explore to the extent that was comfortable for them; thus, certain experiences were not allowed. My mom often took offense to me not identifying as Christian. My family reasoned my spiritual experiences were demonic. I wasn’t actually allowed to carry certain political ideologies or beliefs that differed from them. I didn’t feel accepted and supported if I did something different so the only way to feel safe was to accept what was within the confines of what was given, despite how small it felt.

The family I speak of is my mom and her five siblings, three of them in particular. From up close they seemed to carry an overarching thread of doom and gloom for me. As a unit they seemed menacing and I felt so full of fear and uncertainty surrounding how they’d react to me, my beliefs, my feelings, my perceptions, and the direction I choose to move in my life. Often times when I felt the panic of “going crazy” in regards to my spiritual gifts emerging, I really saw their faces judging me or treating me like I’m different. It occurred to me that because my mother and her siblings were very protective and very involved in my life, I never got the chance to experience anything different. My father seemed almost non-existent in my later years. Unlike my cousins who were able to have a relationship with both sides of their parent’s families, I had a bit more of a singular experience and, unfortunately, it wasn’t healthy.

When I take a step back, I realize that while my family is toxic for me and my growth, my mother did the best she could. In many ways she too is unable to stand up to the dysfunction of her family members. While she has five other siblings, two of them often try to avoid the craziness of the others and try not to get them so deeply involved in their lives so as to not be controlled.

I understand now that it’s not ‘lying’ or ‘secrecy’ to not want to tell everyone everything or to not feel the need to have your family involved in every aspect of your life. I understand now that the people I’ve been allowing to affect my life are dysfunctional, unhealthy, and in order to grow into the person I want to be, I have to lovingly let them go.

I’m in pain. In my heart I feel pain. I see now that for all these years the things I was fighting to gain from them wasn’t from a place of “wrongness” or “demanding” or “spoiled” behavior. I see now that me voicing my opinion or how I felt and having it not be heard or respected was more about them trying to maintain power and not acknowledging my feelings. I understand now that what I was trying to voice to them all these years was what I needed in order to grow: healthy boundaries.

What I need from my family right now, particularly those four members, is for them to give me space and leave me alone. What I need from myself is the willingness to go forth with my growth process.

 

 

Why Did I Become A Nurse?

Last week, when I visited my counselor, she had me lay down and do some mindfulness technique to assist in alleviating the headaches and grounding. Grounding is somewhat difficult for me it seems and as a result of this I tend to get a lot of pressure-like aches in the middle of my forehead where my third-eye is. I was able to seat myself in my heart-space again. Doing so led me to reconnect with my own inner voice and essentially pick back up where I left off.

It seems as though I’ve been asleep for so long because I’ve been unconsciously doing what I was told I should do but not quite allowing myself to be conscious of why I’m doing what I’m doing. A lot of emotions have been coming to the surface since that last session. A lot sensations and questions.

One of these questions is Why did I become a nurse?

It often feels as though nursing is so left field from every other aspect of my life, what I want, who I want to be. I couldn’t seem to remember where the decision to be a nurse came from. I felt so consumed.

I’m starting to remember. Nursing for me wasn’t about the work. It was a means to an end, a way to support myself as I focused on what truly mattered to me in life, spiritual growth and expansion, as opposed to moving up the corporate healthcare ladder, the politics, the science itself, etc. I think at some point my own spiritual growth scared me, particularly when I began to ‘see’ and ‘hear’. I didn’t have an adequate support system at that time and found myself trying to lose myself in what felt safe and familiar.

In essence: I’ve been running from myself because I didn’t like what I had to say and I didn’t like what my inner self was showing me. Deeper still, I was scared to trust the information I got because nothing around me seemed to validate it.

External validation and validation seeking has played a significant role in my life. It seems as though I’ve always looked for someone somewhere to tell me that ‘I am okay’, that what I feel, think, do, want, say, is okay. As a result, I ignore my own inner messages unless they are confirmed.

I want to be on my own team and support myself in the way I wish my mom, my dad, my friends, onlookers who witnessed injustice would. I want to give myself the validation I often wished I had growing up, in school, in college, in the workplace. I want to be on my side, to support my own dreams, desires, wishes, growth, and expansion. Every energy in this world is not supportive. Every energy in this world is not my friend. But I want to be my friend and support myself. I want to listen to and counsel myself, to talk to myself, to get to know myself and rebuild those lines of trust and connectivity so that I’m not running myself into abusive external situations anymore hoping others will see what is impossible for them to see.

I remember why I became a nurse now. I became a nurse because I wanted the flexibility to come and go as I pleased without having to be bound to one job, one space, one company, one city or state. I chose nursing because I suspected that my spiritual evolution would one day require me to branch out and I needed a flexible enough option in order to do just that.