I have been trying to learn what is true of me and what isn’t. I have learned that I am not as quiet as I make myself seem, that this was a part of a self I created to fit in with a seemingly harsh world.
Another thing I have come to realize is that when I try to control everything, I am not living in the moment. I am not seeing clearly, I exhaust myself, and I suffer.
Last week in counseling I created a circle around myself using yarn to demonstrate my boundary. I learned that I have not been true to my boundary. I have been feeling crushed, stifled, suffocated, exhausted constantly as my boundaries are pushed, squeezed, overstepped. I took a break from my family this week to better discover what is true for me vs. What I have taken in from them. I’ve been telling the the raw, honest truth and allowing the chips to fall where they may.
Today, I am miserable. I have a boyfriend who wants mostly to smoke weed and play world of warcraft. As he enters his own world to play this game he almost seems to forget I am in the room for hours. This is hurtful to me. I have family who exhaust me. I don’t have a home to call my own. I failed a grad school class and will have to retake it. I wish I cared more about this. But what I care about most is that I don’t know what is real of me right now. For years I was sure that the me I was becoming was the real me. Was true. But it was a form of self deception. It was an illusion. I was imitating someone else. I didn’t even realize it. This is what was stripped away from me some years back. The ability to live in the illusion and feel happy or content.
I am going to continue to tell the truth to myself as I live in the present moment and work to unravel and uproot that which is false within me. I am committed to the truth, even if what uproots is ugly. I am sorry to all those I offend along the way of uprooting the lies that I have carried in my bosom all these years. But this is my blog and my place of healing. This is where the truth must be told.