Personal Development

Am I A Woman or Am I 13?

Dear blog, 

I have found myself asking this question time and time again. Am I a woman? Legally I am. To the outside world I appear to be. I can drink, vote, drive, pay bills, hold my own, have a profession. If I decided to conceive a child, pretty much no one would bat an eye or inquire as to how I will be able to afford it, etc. I’m an adult. I am almost 26 years old. According to science, my brain is fully developed. But inside, I often feel like I am 13 years old. 

It’s the thirteen year old in me that feels depressed, trapped, not heard, wants to know she’s good enough, be validated, be respected, and know that God is not angry with her or punishing her for her shortcomings. It’s the thirteen year old in me that wants to belong and feels like nobody likes her and is tries to people please and be extra nice (a form of manipulation) in an attempt to gain approval and validation. The thirteen year old me came to the conclusion that she is not good enough because if she was, more good things would happen to her. That’s the thirteen year old me talking. 

The thirteen year old me constantly asks herself why, as likeable as she feels she is, others can’t seem to feel the same way about her. The thirteen year old me then looks into the mirror and decides that maybe its her looks, her choice of dress, her tone of voice, the occasional dark spot or pimple on her face, her darker complexion, her weight gain, her introversion, her somewhat uneven complexion or her hairiness, her armpit length hair being too short or too thin, the fact that maybe she was too loud, too bold, too brave, too brash, not artistic enough, or not being as deeply invested in things as others, etc. And then she becomes scared that the world will see her inadequacies. And she becomes angry because she can’t understand why God, if He created her in His image, would mistreat her by putting people and situations in her life that feel the need to pick her apart and tell her all the ways she was inherently wrong, bad, or inadequate. 

Am I a woman? Yes. But I am also 13.