My entire time in Trinidad was spent listening to my aunts rave about how great my cousin is while getting annoyed with me for being me, liking what I like, doing what i do, not always wanting to do what they want to do. They mostly wanted little to do with me. One aunt when I was leaving decided she couldn’t even get out of bed to hug me to say goodbye but only recently was up greeting and saying goodbye to my other aunt. I notice these things. I simply nodded my head, said goodbye, and left without looking back. That country is not my domain.
It occurred to me during the trip that I left Trinidad at the age of 8 years old. I’m almost 26 years old now so that’s a long time ago. Leaving there was the best form of advocating my younger self did for herself. Sometimes I get jealous because I wonder what makes my aunts seem so sunken when they see me but come to life when others like my mom or my cousins are around? I think growing up this just use to communicate to me that I’m wrong.
It seems to me that a lot of my early childhood experiences and middle school years were spent being reinforced that who I am and what I am is wrong, that as a result of this wrongness, I don’t belong. But I’m no longer angry at those who made me feel that way through their strong willed, headstrong behavior, their side glances and snide remarks, their loud voices and nagging. I understand that my peace of mind comes from telling the truth and knowing that I’m being honest and sincere while making peace with those people and experiences from my past.
One of the questions I keep asking myself is what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t my family see me as something wonderful? Why couldn’t they advocate for me? Why couldn’t they be there? My aunt was there for my cousin as was her mother, my other cousin had her parents. I was alone. Well…not quite.
I realize that in all of this God has always been there for me and this has saved me from many a difficult situation when no one else was available or seemed to care. God has always been on my side and I need not worry about the toxic people with their dysfunctional life patterns and desire to project. God has always been there, it was him who gave me the strength to look inside myself and stand up for myself to get me out of Trinidad, it was him who protected me from my grandfather and other potential pedophiles. God brought me to energist when I needed guidance and to learn more about who I am and took me out of difficult schools and situations. It was God who helped me access my divinely ordained gifts. It was god who showed me the truth in all things in his time. I wanted truth and i got just that. He protected me from a lot of crazy that I could’ve been victim to. I was alone but I was never really alone. God has always been on my side as he helped me stand up to the crazies of my family. God was there.