I decided I want to like myself, so that I can love myself. Over the years, I stopped liking myself because I did not like the person I became. I lost vision of the kind of person I like and the kind of person I want to be.
The kind of person I like is a woman who advocates for herself regardless of the status the person holds. The kind of person I like is a woman who works out daily. She eats well. She takes care of her skin and her hair. The kind of person I like is a woman who respects herself and is kind to herself. She treats others with respect. The person I like speaks with authority, knowing her value and her worth. She is confident in who she is. The person I like works towards her goals. She spends less time sulking in her bedroom and more time grounding, strengthening her core self. The person I like spends less time concerned with what others think of her and more time on how she feels and what she thinks.
I lost vision. I lost motivation and sense of purpose. But I am back. My focus is on creating a life I am pleased with and being a person I can honestly say I like.
Everyday I struggle to be true to myself. My favorite quote is “to thine own self be true”. I try to live my life by this quote. What this means to me is to always be insincere, always tell the truth, always be my authentic, genuine self, never lying and trying to conceal the truth even if for a moment it hurts.
Sometimes, at work, I have a hard time with realness. I want to tell the whole truth and to ensure that I am continuously living my truth. I want to be completely grounded in who I am. But sometimes, I mess up. I get shy. I do this around my boyfriend’s friends and family as well. I get scared. I offer myself compassion in these moments. But sometimes, I wonder, what is it I am expecting myself to do?
Recently, I was talking to my travel nurse friend. Every time I talk to her she often gets the feeling that nursing is not what I am suppose to do. I believed that too. That maybe what I really should be is a writer. Or just doing something else in general. But it occurred to me that the feeling of inadequacy I often feel isn’t really related to hating nursing directly. It’s related to a feeling of lacking purpose. It’s related to a feeling of not having a good spiritual foundation right now from which to draw strength.
All my life I have felt like an outsider. All my life I have felt disconnected. Trying to belong only made me feel lonelier. But I still tried. Part of those feelings were attributed to that constant belief that maybe I am inadequate or not good enough. Part of those feelings come from feeling a disconnect from God. I need a spiritual practice. A good foundation.