Since relocating to Arizona, my inner/spiritual life has been good. And that’s not to say that I’m happy all the time or that life has been easy or that it’s all smooth sailing, but that I feel balanced.
Ever so often, I look back at my old writings to reflect on the person I use to be. I want to tell that girl that I’m proud of her for persevering. I read my old journal entries and there was constant mention of travel and spiritual growth and enlightenment. I’m proud of myself for venturing down that path. I have done everything that little girl wanted to do. Get my bachelor’s degree in nursing without ever repeating a class, do well as an RN and find a specialty I care about, fall in love, travel, have spiritual experiences, astral project/OBE, learn to trust myself and accept my spiritual gifts, etc. I’ve done it! Not everything I had ventured to achieve produced the results I expected or wanted but I can’t guilt myself for trying. And now I’m not a little girl anymore and it’s time for me to make new experiences.
I’ll be honest, I don’t particularly have any hardcore goals at this time. Not the way I did when I was a girl/teenager or a young woman in college. I would like to write more. Reading those old stories I wrote in high school reminded me of how creative I was and can be as a writer. I’m thinking about transcribing some of them to this blog. Many of them are pretty deep but others are actually quite funny!
We will see.
I started looking back at my old writings from high school and college and they made me laugh as well as think. When you aren’t sure of yourself, when you’re busy trying to compare your life to other’s lives, you forget all the beauty that exists within you.
My stories were very well written. And back then I exuded a lot of confidence and trust in myself. I didn’t have a lot of friends. And I didn’t care. Which is funny because I remember going through a stint in college where I felt I needed to be completely involved in all social activities or something was wrong with me. A good chunk of it had to do with my ex and the influence that he wielded over me. But that’s why we need to be careful who we allow into our lives.
For some years now, I tried to reduce my voice by stifling my inner power. I’d try to substitute my confident tone of speaking with a more unsure tone. Instead of saying, “The books are on the bookshelf” I’d say, “I think the books are on the bookshelf…” even though I knew exactly where they were. I made a habit of creating doubt in an attempt to avoid embarrassment in the event I was wrong or in the event I offended anyone.
Nowadays, I’ve removed a lot of the “I think…” and the doubting tones from my speaking and writing because I understand now that there is nothing wrong with being sure of oneself. I’ve grown weary of perfectionism.It’s not real. I don’t need to know everything or be right about everything, or good at everything in order to be sure of oneself. I’m growing, I’m evolving, and I’m going to be wrong sometimes but that’s okay. That’s part of life.
Dear Black Women,
For the most part, I’d like to direct this to the black women of darker variety because that is what I am. But really, this is for all of us.
You are beautiful. Surround yourself with people who see the beauty in you, the kind that radiates from the inside out and touches the hearts of many, male and female.
I know some of us have had periods where we were told we were ugly for the dumbest of reasons, for reasons that go beyond our control, and by people too blind and brainwashed to see they’re just carrying out old ignorant lower level consciousness schemes. As a result, we’ve dissected ourselves and compared ourselves light skin vs. dark skin. But both are beautiful. Both are sexy. And both deserve better than to spend their days wallowing in the murkiness of such ignorance.
Find the light in your situation. For years, beauty products and advertisements had nothing to do with me and appealed to me so little that I had to find the beauty in me and love it. I had to learn to love it deeply, purely, truly, immensely, despite the naysayers and I’m so happy to see more and more people are embracing their natural beauty. You deserve it. You’re worth it. And the more we embrace one another, regardless of shade, and celebrate our beauty, the more we’ll transform this world and make it more habitable for our children, and their children.
Make the change. Make it happen. Start by loving you.
Loneliness does not mean that you are doing something wrong. It does not mean that you have made a mistake or taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Loneliness does not mean that you are being punished, although sometimes it can certainly feel that way.
Please understand that all things are one thing. Please understand that all is One. Please know that to the very degree to which you feel lonely you can also feel connectedness, sociable, involved, engaged. Loneliness is simply on a spectrum/frequency to which one feels connected. All is energy. And energy cannot be destroyed only transformed. You can transform your loneliness if you want.
Look at your loneliness. Be with your loneliness. You are not alone. Learn to live with yourself and to be with yourself. Learn to live with and be with others. Learn to live in this world. Be in this world and all of its crazy rhythms and patterns. You belong here. Go ahead and move to the beat of your own drum. The kind of music you listen to makes no difference. You belong here.
I wish I could tell you that you will feel good all the time if you do this. I wish I could tell you that if you learn to be with your loneliness that life will be smooth sailing. I wish I could tell you that you will make friends and encounter lovers everywhere you go or that you’ll never feel pain again. Pay attention to your rhythms. Know that everything has a time, a reason, and a season for being as it is. Some days you will feel good. Other days you won’t. Some days life will be a thrill, other days it won’t. You might’ve had an excellent year and the following year might not be so great. Things change. Seasons change. Pay attention to the rhythm. Be okay with it.
I never imagined my life past age 18. Don’t ask me why. lol I don’t know why 18 was such a grand age in my head. It just was. Now I’m almost 24. Last year, I expected to be engaged and in graduate school around this time. Five years before that I had expected to be a wandering spiritual nomad and psychic. Those were all options for me. But none of them came to fruition (except the travel) and its okay. I’m okay with life’s surprises now. Right now I’m single and living on my own 13 weeks at a time. Next year I might be in a relationship and in a staff position at a hospital in a new specialty and in my own home. Or not. I’m willing to let life surprise me.
I have learned that I don’t need to be in control of everything, that I don’t need to have everyone like me or that I don’t have to have people’s validation in order for me to do what I want. I have been having many flashbacks to moments in my life when I decided that it was better to adopt another’s view point than to embrace my own. Equally valid, but on a different spectrum, and certainly not my own. Now I choose me. And even though i still have days and moments that feel crummy, or moments, like now, when I feel lonely, I know that it’s not necessarily because there’s something deeply dysfunctional and wrong with me or that I’m broken or “bad”. Maybe there’s nothing to escape. I have had a great and insightful two weeks and maybe now is the time for me to relax and allow myself to make more space in me for more learning. Whatever it is, I think it’s okay.
My mind is constantly racing, seldom at peace. I spend a good chunk of my time alone because I have so many of my own questions running through my head that I don’t really have the desire to engage in other people’s stuff. And yet, I constantly find myself caring for and ministering to others. I feel good knowing that I was able to help them find clarity in some way and to grow on some level and discover a better part of themselves, but at the same time, I still struggle with my own mind.
I was guilting myself for being seemingly less motivated to work when my goal is to pay off my student loans but I’m okay with it now and I’m allowing myself to just be, racing thoughts and all.
I’ve been having lots of thoughts lately and haven’t been on this blog much. These last six years have been kind of interesting for me as I come to figure out what really matters, and to tie up loose ends and get closure in many areas of my life, particularly with relationships (myself, others, God). It’s just been all about relationships and closure these last six years. Finally, I’ve come to a place where there’s just me. I’ve been taking care of myself, my body, my skin, my hair, appreciating my own beauty both internally and externally, and just allowing myself to be that gorgeous person that I’ve been too afraid to recognize all these years! I’ve met some amazing people across the ages and have allowed myself to really dig deep within myself and to ask myself questions and come to realizations that in the months and years prior, I just couldn’t see.
I had stopped loving and caring for myself many years ago. I didn’t think it mattered. But I finally do love and care for myself again, mind, body, and soul. I’m starting to understand the importance, not of escaping my own ego, but embracing it and incorporating it into my life. There isn’t a whole lot else I feel like writing about.
I’m starting to recognize that what I’m experiencing at the moment is nurse burnout and I thought travel nursing would give me the opportunity to recover from it. Well it didn’t. After not having a real, worry-free, plan-free (all my “vacations” were gaps where I was prepping for another job or to go back to work) vacation in 2 years, I’m starting to realize the effects. My goal from now on is to take frequent breaks between assignments. No more working 2+ years non-stop. I need time for me, especially in this profession where my focus tends to be on others. I need to take care of myself and my health.
I wanted to add that reading stories about Nurse burnout has really helped me to feel better about the position I’m in at the moment. I want to be more positive and I think I just need to work on getting my life to where I want it to be. At 23, now is the time to do that.