My mom is a saint. That’s what I tell people if they ask. She’s the type to give you the shirt off her back if you are shivering in the cold. She’s the type to give up her bed and sleep on the floor if someone comes to visit. She puts herself last. Always. That said, I expected a deeper connection to her than what often seemed to manifest.
Last weekend drew the last straw. I noticed that whenever we would talk, I’d become angry and she’d become confused. I felt like my needs weren’t being met whenever we had a conversation. I’d feel exhausted. I knew that for years whenever my mom came home, my initial reaction would be to just go to my bedroom. Well that weekend, I discovered why.
I told her that for years I’ve tried to get closer to her but often feel as though I can’t. I told her that I am often disappointed and I apologized to her. I realized it was my own expectations I had of the relationship and of her that disappointed me the most. In a sense: greed. My greed. I wanted more and more and more from her and what she did provide never felt like enough. At that moment, I knew it was time to let go. She is who she is and trying to make her into what I want or trying to create a relationship with her the way I want isn’t fair to her and is painful to me.
I understand now that even though she is my mother, she’s not mine. Her job isn’t to make me happy. Even if I knew this, I think subconsciously, my actions (leaving the room whenever she came home, becoming angry and having outbursts when she didn’t react to something in the way I wanted) were proof of my honest feelings and beliefs. I’m not in control of her anymore than she is in control of me. So, I’ll end with this poem that keeps being called to mind.
So…I’ve been journaling. And I realized that much of the stress that I had been experiencing almost 2 years ago wasn’t and can’t be completely attributed to my ex. I can’t really blame him for not traveling as much I had wanted to or for my weight gain, or for the constant feelings of fatigue that I went through during that time. Was it stressful working a 12 hour shift 3 days a week with a difficult patient population and with increasing work demands only to have an almost 2 hour drive home in traffic and have to counsel him for hours on end about things and situations I had no real control over (e.g.: my race, his “member” size, his job insecurities, his not feeling accomplished even though he had just began his career, his home life)? Yes. Was it pleasant for me to constantly feel like I had to defend myself and our relationship without feeling his support against the onslaught of insults and negative messages he told me his family and friends said about me in regards to my race, my looks, my vagina (She said, “The size of the vagina is built for the race of the man” Seriously?!) and noticing day in and day out how it would affect his resolve to remain in the relationship with me? No. And I’ve asked others how they’d feel if their partner cheated on them and refused to detach from the girl, told them repeatedly that they were settling by being with them, that maybe sex would be better if they were with other girls, that they were basic looking and their mother was encouraging them to cheat or look elsewhere and not ever feeling like their partner stood up for them. It wasn’t pleasant. It was very stressful and wasn’t a very supportive environment or experience for me. Needless to say, it was hard.
I did travel quite a bit last year as a result of it, just trying to make sense of what happened, what it all meant, because I know what I experienced wasn’t fair, wasn’t right, was very isolating, confusing, and was a very toxic environment for me. But it wasn’t all his fault. I had lost touch with myself in trying to make him happy and in trying to keep the relationship together and progressing all while trying to manage the stress of my first RN job on a very fast paced unit with a very difficult patient population. I think in some ways I was brainwashed, not by my family, but by some of my online encounters. I wanted a relationship like what I had read about and hadn’t taken into consideration that this person might not be the one to have that with at this time (or possibly ever) or that what they were posting about online might not actually be what I need or what is essential for a nurturing environment for myself. But I’ve come to see I’m very strong, that I am pretty (even if I’m not everyone’s cup of tea), that I do belong in this universe, that people look up to me, admire me even, that I’m good at what I do, and I’m actually a lot further along in my development than I realized I would be at this stage and I do attribute much of that growth to traveling, travel nursing, and to the people I met during my year long excursion.
I’ll keep this short…
For me, talking to you is exhausting. You require a lot of TLC. You take all of my energy and leave nothing but exhaustion, stress, confusion and weight gain in its place. You were deeply unhappy. For so long I deceived myself but now I won’t. You’re not a partner you’re a parasite. You’ve always been a parasite. I was your host. I am not your host anymore.
When your life or work or whatever you’re doing becomes a chore, it’s probably time to stop, reevaluate, and figure out what the hell it is you really want to do. Don’t ignore the signs. You feeling bad, means it’s time to stop, think,
And another thing….happiness is so freaking overrated. Some people have said to me, “You don’t seem really happy.” And I’ll be honest, if you’re expecting me to walk around laughing and smiling and telling you about how great my life is all the time…you won’t get it. I have days when I’m crying. I have moments when I’m lonely, I have days where getting out of bed just is not my first priority and you know what? So what? That’s okay. It’s okay. From what I remember, that too is also allowed. Don’t drink the kool-aid…unless you want to. But at least be aware of it.
Oh my gosh people just be! lol That’s what I’m bursting to say right now. Just be! I’m laughing right now. But let’s keep it honest: I’m so sick of hiding. Be. lol! Just be…
In meditation I heard, “It’s out of my control”. I then hear, “Why don’t you Cry?”. Both are songs. But the lyrics kept coming to mind. And then I swelled with tears and found myself crying as I heard, “Come closer”.
So many fears swelled up inside of me relating to work. I feared death. Not actual dying per se. But I cried again thinking that work, from a heart centered place, would kill me. I’m a nurse. People can be cruel. Their egos can lash out at me in a way that makes me want to break down and cry and most would just look at me and think me “soft”. The ego, my ego, has been trying to protect me from this. Ego is what I have used to block myself from the pain of other’s blows. It hurts. But I often imagine that it’s better than not allowing their ego to actually come in contact with my core. It’s better than letting myself cry, better than letting myself feel it, show it, acknowledge it. It’s suppose to protect me. But I know it’s really trying to protect itself from death.
I think the ego a useful tool. I thought the ego was suppose to keep me out of trouble. But many times it keeps me from feeling connection. I block people, close myself off from them for fear, once again, of dying, possibly even losing “myself” and being hurt again. And then in meditation I cried again. I work tomorrow. What would happen to me if I went to work, unguarded, from my heart centered place as opposed to keeping my ego shields up? “Come closer”. “Let go” and I knew that all of this was easier to do when one had nothing to lose. But what if I do? I love my job. I love travel nursing. I do. Would letting go mean I’d hate it because I’d have no defense? Would I be attacked? Would I die? Death. It all came back to death.
“Close the door”.
And how can I be this when others ego triggers my own? How can I function? I’m going to die. It’s always easier when you have nothing to lose. I’ve explored all my deepest fears. fear of going crazy, fear of “being wrong”, fear of “losing friends”, fear of being delusional. None true. None painfully true anyway. It’s always something. Now it’s fear of being a shitty RN who can’t protect herself from the egotistical blows of patients, MDs, RNs, and PCTs alike. It never ends.
There’s always something to keep the fear alive.
It’s always easier when you have nothing to lose.
“It’s easier for a needle to go through a camel’s eye than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of heaven.” – Mark: 10:25
I’m not setting a good example or being my best self when I’m constantly thinking about you. I’m not leading my best life by mentally obsessing over you. Days turn to months turn to years and you’re real and yet you’re an abstraction, a mental construct. I’ve played around with the idea of you. I’ve asked myself why do I love you many times. I get no real answers. This is a mind fuck! Closure doesn’t come by interacting with you. All it does is open more doors and welcomes more mind-fucks. And I’m sick of having my mind fucked.
I’m sick of referring to myself as “crazy” because I know I’m not. I know these feelings aren’t just my own. But at this point I’ve resolved to leave you to do that which you do. Go be you. I’ll go be me too.
When I had initially made plans to go to Texas, I had sworn off all men and dating while traveling down South. School, work, and working out was all I had planned to do. But now that I’m here, I’m pulling back on my words! All work and no play can easily make a girl quite dull and I realize now that perhaps my original plan was a bad idea!
I’ve been running from heart ache. But in the process I completely shut myself off to finding a potential companion and mate. So now, without expectation, I’ve reopened my heart. I’m going to continue to pursue all the things I want to pursue, work, working out, graduate school, but I’m also going to keep an open heart to love and to loving.
Here’s to finding love wherever that love may be!