I seldom ever look back at the things I’ve written but lately I’ve been doing it a lot! I went from thinking myself crazy, delusional, and naive to accepting I might not be all that crazy but really more inexperienced and idealistic at the times when I undertook a new project. When you’re going through a situation, your outlook might be a little different than when you look back or have an outsider’s perspective. There’s also many aspects of my life that I did not blog about, or that I remember blogging about but then deleting because I was too ashamed to acknowledge it, or something of the sorts.
Anyways, looking back, I have to laugh at myself. Like, really laugh. I’ve actually tackled a lot of the things I wanted to and experienced a lot of what I wanted to (but didn’t always get the results I was expecting) and it’s actually quite cool! Here’s some:
- Met my twin soul (Didn’t go as I expected. Was actually quite stressful. lol But enlightening *nods*)
- Dated a bit (Also enlightening)
- Travel Nursing (love it!)
- Got a new specialty (Love specialties! Not the one I planned on getting but pleased nonetheless)
- Accepted my spiritual gifts
- Got into a Doctoral program (turned it down after discovering that it was NOT the specialty I wanted)
- Dropped 10k on my student loans (woot! Almost done!)
Anyways, I’m pretty content even though I didn’t get all the things I wanted. I don’t really have any more die hard goals as I said in my last blog. I think a lot of the pressure I was putting on myself in the past (getting rich, being successful, money money money, real estate!) came from the people around me (more than likely from my ex). It’s really important that we’re mindful of who we allow into our lives and how they affect us, no matter how much we love them. My chakras have improved and opened up again, I feel balanced, I’ve cleared my head quite a bit, and I’m just looking forward to creating new experiences and enjoying my life, whatever that turns out to be and look like. Yes, I do want to write more creative pieces, or more along the lines of stories, but I’m not sure if I’ll be sharing them here or if I’ll create another blog, etc. I’m looking into taking a class while here in Arizona, just to meet some more like minds/like hearts and people outside of hospital life.
I realized I don’t have many friends my own age! I don’t have many friends (period) but most of my friends are older. I’d like to make more friends my own age but for some reason it hardly, if ever, happens. But who knows? Maybe next year or next month, or next week will bring me with another like mind my own age. I’m willing to let life surprise me.
Two more people from my cohort (we started together) left my unit yesterday. They were two of my favorite people on the unit. I enjoyed talking to them and because we all made it to the level of Charge Nurse, I asked them both to write me letters of recommendation which they did. It’s because of their supportiveness that I am able to venture into the world of travel nursing and I appreciate them a good deal for it. I only wish I had bought them a gift, but they said the hug would suffice. And one of them told me to stop by his house anytime.
One of the people from my cohort told me that the bridge program he’s signed onto starts on Monday. And then I thought, “I really hope I don’t get a job offer from a hospital that cuts it that close.” I’ve spoken to several recruiters at this point and I told them when I would like my start date to be and what my plan was. I would like a month off so that I can get my life in order before taking this self of mine on the road. One month should be enough to get me caught up on doctor, women’s health, and dental visits, tax preparations, etc. Maybe even have some time to buy a camera and purchase my own insurance? Yep, can’t forget about that. 🙂
I’ve been thinking that while traveling, I may just get back on Facebook to stay connected to people I’m far away from. But I keep on shrinking from that idea. I think for me, the lure of traveling is that you get to leave behind everything you know and venture into a whole new world where you have to learn to navigate using the resources you have and learn about yourself in this new environment. It’s a time where you learn what you can and can’t accept and what you’re capable of adapting to. Facebook keeps everything so close together and so seemingly small, all connected and recorded on this little social media site. I’m not a very sentimental person but I likely will buy the camera and maybe instead of going on Facebook, I’ll post my pictures here.
After work, I’ve been going to bed later and later. It’s a testament to how comfortable I’ve gotten with my job that I don’t stroll into work until 4 minutes before it’s time to clock in. I’m not worried about my job performance anymore. I get it. Even if I don’t always know where things are, at least I feel comfortable enough to say that my patients won’t die from my lack of competence.
I’ve been writing here less and less because it’s kind of the same ol’, same ol’ I’ve been writing about before. It’s a good kind of redundance though. I’m starting to realize what it is I’ve been seeking at this stage in my life and why certain circumstances make me feel caged. I’m happier now because I have the opportunity to move on, I just have to choose a direction to move in.
Anyways, this is me giving it a rest and allowing the process to unfold.
I have to decide whether to do travel nursing or continue to apply for a position as a OB/GYN nurse. What do I do? Having a specialty under my belt would make it much easier for me to find jobs as a travel nurse, that’s for sure. And I know that I’m getting a little sick of taking care of the sick and want a change. Maybe I could take care of the healthy who only visited the hospital to pop out a baby? That’s been my logic. But the truth is that I’m actually open to every aspect of nursing at this point with the exception of the ICU. And even then, I seem to be opening up to it simply because I don’t like limiting myself. In the same breath, I can’t find any real inclination or drive to do it.
I’ve been receiving a lot of letters of recommendation for various reasons. I’ve been hopping from one idea to the next as I try to figure out what it is I want to do. I’m so confused. It’s like whenever I set my heart on one thing, something else comes along and I change my mind. I hate nursing, then I love nursing. I want to do postpartum then I hate that. I want to travel but I’m not ready to travel. I want to go to graduate school but maybe in 2-3 years. This is kind of why I want to shut everyone out, pick one thing, and just do it for as long as I can tolerate it. The travel nursing door is already slightly ajar for me. I’ve got the travel nursing agencies on lock. But why not specialize in something…else? And then go on the road? I’m thinking about doing mother/baby again. Maybe I’ll have an easier time finding a job as a travel nurse. I don’t know, I don’t know! I’m seriously confused and trying to figure this all out is kind of stressing me out or giving me a headache! Wooooosahhhh……
Maybe I’ll have a clearer picture of what I want to do next week. We’ll see. I’m hopeful. I just need to take my time.
I had a very busy Sunday. I kind of wish it wasn’t because I would’ve liked more time to read up on my future career path. But I liked it because I got to test my skills and knowledge base with certain clinical issues. Three out of five of my patients’ blood pressures were out of whack (either too high or really low) and the MDs wanted me to give furosemide IV to the patient whose blood pressure was 85/45. Yeah…I was nervous. In fact, so were the doctors. But I waited until the blood pressure was about 90/60 before administering it. My understanding was that the benefits of this drug outweighed the risks. In addition, I agreed with the physician that if need be it would be better to call a rapid response in the day time than during night shift. Fortunately, the blood pressure did not plummet (in fact it went up to 100/83) and the worst thing that happened was that the patient kept peeing on themselves and I had to keep changing bedsheets.
Lord knows I hate rapid responses. It’s part of the reason why I’m so proactive with patient care. Rapid responses to me are a last resort. They’re something you do when you’ve done everything else in your power in a timely manner. Some people are so eager and willing to call a rapid response so they can continue on their day. I’d rather miss 3 meals to provide care and prevent a rapid, than go on a lunch break, come back, and call a rapid response. That’s not the adrenaline rush for me. I already work at a level 1 trauma hospital. Our medical-surgical unit functions more like an IMC unit to be honest. So whenever I can, I prefer a nice, fairly slower pace at work. That doesn’t always happen so when it does, I embrace it. It reminds me of what I want to accomplish and the place I’m trying to get to in life.
Like I’ve said in many of my previous blogs, I’m on a journey of self-discovery. I’m just glad I feel that connection to myself again.
“If you don’t like the roads you’re walking, start paving another one.” – Taken from Be Like Water Production
I hope I have the courage to take the next step. Many times I start things full of enthusiasm and end up losing steam coming close to the end. I’ve been taking stock of my life lately. I have a lot of things on my mental “to do list” that I haven’t been very proactive with. It’s not that it’s “hard”. I don’t exactly believe in “hard”. It’s that I’ve been lazy. It’s that I haven’t taken initiative. It’s that I’ve been preoccupied with things that do not matter. But as another saying goes, “A year from now, you will have wished you started today.” That’s how I’m feeling now. Like I should have started a year ago. But you know what? Today is a new day and I am building my own road now.
It’s occurred to me that out of all the virtues, the greatest virtue of all is courage. That’s what’s been crossing my mind whenever I feel discouraged, or overwhelmed, or afraid. That the greatest virtue of all is courage because without it, we can’t carry out the other virtues. I know this saying has been said on numerous occasions. But it’s called to my mind in those moments when I feel afraid. “Courage, c-nite. Have courage.”
When you accept that everything you need is inside yourself, there isn’t all that much you feel the need to do. You don’t feel the need to prove your worth, to change others, to absorb concepts to help define who you are and explain yourself. All of it becomes unnecessary because you discover that you are whole. You are complete because it’s the way you were created.
Some of us, after we’ve discovered this, don’t accept this. For people like myself, the idea that everything could be inside of us, despite the opinions of the rest of the world, just seemed too good to be true. We know it to be true, and yet we run. We try to find out if anything else exists that’s better than this knowing. This leads us to undertake a journey of exploration that always brings us back to ourselves. Nothing ever sticks, nothing ever lasts, but no matter where we go, we discover that inside of us, is the source of all that we are seeking. We continue to look outside of ourselves for answers and information, always putting that inner source on hold until one day we can’t run anymore. After a while, even a dog gets tired of chasing its own tail. For me, I had to accept this unconditional love that existed within and accept that the information I sought was all within me as well.