Back again. Here for at least a year. Thinking about getting in shape. Yes? No? Maybe? Not sure…
Since coming to Arizona, something inside of me has wanted to stop. I’ve been blogging about it over and over throughout the weeks about how I just can’t do “it” anymore. Realizing that control is an illusion and seeing the labyrinth of the mind (it’s all a mind-fuck) was breathtaking. And I let go. Of everything. No more stressing about the future or worrying about what could be or should be or didn’t happen. The chips will fall where they fall. No more running. Just me. Here. Now.
All of this has given birth to my need to express myself creatively and honestly. All of me, as best as I can and I’ve had to release many of the things and people who I felt kept me back from this freedom of expression that I had long since forgotten. I love writing. I love expressing myself, observing patterns and expressing the images I see in everyday life or the crazy images that flash across my mind. And I like speaking, from the heart, and telling stories and hearing stories.
Lately it all feels new again even though I know it’s not. And I’m grateful. So…thank you Arizona.
I don’t feel like running anymore. My ego has been fighting so hard to stay alive and to remain relevant but now I’m tired. It’s always something. There’s always something. A more lucrative job, more money, more friends, a better relationship, not enough personality, a better life, more success. It’s always something. There’s never enough. There’s always something to worry about. Not finding a new job if I leave this one, not making more friends, not being smart enough, not being qualified enough, always something. There’s always something you have to do in order to make your life better. You have to do something. Always do something. It just never feels like it ends.
I seldom ever look back at the things I’ve written but lately I’ve been doing it a lot! I went from thinking myself crazy, delusional, and naive to accepting I might not be all that crazy but really more inexperienced and idealistic at the times when I undertook a new project. When you’re going through a situation, your outlook might be a little different than when you look back or have an outsider’s perspective. There’s also many aspects of my life that I did not blog about, or that I remember blogging about but then deleting because I was too ashamed to acknowledge it, or something of the sorts.
Anyways, looking back, I have to laugh at myself. Like, really laugh. I’ve actually tackled a lot of the things I wanted to and experienced a lot of what I wanted to (but didn’t always get the results I was expecting) and it’s actually quite cool! Here’s some:
- Met my twin soul (Didn’t go as I expected. Was actually quite stressful. lol But enlightening *nods*)
- Dated a bit (Also enlightening)
- Travel Nursing (love it!)
- Got a new specialty (Love specialties! Not the one I planned on getting but pleased nonetheless)
- Accepted my spiritual gifts
- Got into a Doctoral program (turned it down after discovering that it was NOT the specialty I wanted)
- Dropped 10k on my student loans (woot! Almost done!)
Anyways, I’m pretty content even though I didn’t get all the things I wanted. I don’t really have any more die hard goals as I said in my last blog. I think a lot of the pressure I was putting on myself in the past (getting rich, being successful, money money money, real estate!) came from the people around me (more than likely from my ex). It’s really important that we’re mindful of who we allow into our lives and how they affect us, no matter how much we love them. My chakras have improved and opened up again, I feel balanced, I’ve cleared my head quite a bit, and I’m just looking forward to creating new experiences and enjoying my life, whatever that turns out to be and look like. Yes, I do want to write more creative pieces, or more along the lines of stories, but I’m not sure if I’ll be sharing them here or if I’ll create another blog, etc. I’m looking into taking a class while here in Arizona, just to meet some more like minds/like hearts and people outside of hospital life.
I realized I don’t have many friends my own age! I don’t have many friends (period) but most of my friends are older. I’d like to make more friends my own age but for some reason it hardly, if ever, happens. But who knows? Maybe next year or next month, or next week will bring me with another like mind my own age. I’m willing to let life surprise me.
Since relocating to Arizona, my inner/spiritual life has been good. And that’s not to say that I’m happy all the time or that life has been easy or that it’s all smooth sailing, but that I feel balanced.
Ever so often, I look back at my old writings to reflect on the person I use to be. I want to tell that girl that I’m proud of her for persevering. I read my old journal entries and there was constant mention of travel and spiritual growth and enlightenment. I’m proud of myself for venturing down that path. I have done everything that little girl wanted to do. Get my bachelor’s degree in nursing without ever repeating a class, do well as an RN and find a specialty I care about, fall in love, travel, have spiritual experiences, astral project/OBE, learn to trust myself and accept my spiritual gifts, etc. I’ve done it! Not everything I had ventured to achieve produced the results I expected or wanted but I can’t guilt myself for trying. And now I’m not a little girl anymore and it’s time for me to make new experiences.
I’ll be honest, I don’t particularly have any hardcore goals at this time. Not the way I did when I was a girl/teenager or a young woman in college. I would like to write more. Reading those old stories I wrote in high school reminded me of how creative I was and can be as a writer. I’m thinking about transcribing some of them to this blog. Many of them are pretty deep but others are actually quite funny!
We will see.
I know Should very well. Should and I are very, very well acquainted. Some of you may know her too. She’s the one who keeps reminding what a good, normal person looks like and ever so often you believe her and take her up on her offer to make you look like a regular person. Remember her? Yeah. She’s interesting right?
Recently, I met Should at my job out in Iowa. During orientation, Should kept telling me that we needed to get out and see the sights more, take more pictures, talk to more guys. You know, do normal people stuff. Should also kept reminding me to keep a smile on my face and to “look alive” and “sound alive” because people like that kind of thing and good, smart, well rounded people look like that. Honestly, all I really wanted to do was go home and watch a movie, maybe drive around a bit. But Should kept reminding me though that good, normal people my age are out doing stuff and being social. I tried to remind her that not everyone is like that and maybe I’m different, maybe I’m not normal, maybe I’m yaddy yaddy yadda. But Should kept telling me that I’m just being a cop out. She then pulled out pictures. Has Should ever done that to you? Shown you pictures of things and people and places? While doing that she tried to introduce me to her friend Must and he and I really need to go to these places together. Like Osh kosh my gosh! Should is quite the sales rep.
Should and I went back and forth for about two days before I said, “You know what Should? Fuck it! You do what you want to do and I’ll do what I want to do.” I then proceeded to give her pictures of people in sales and tried to highlight her many attributes and how her abilities fit the description for the job qualifications and told her to take a minute and let that sink in.
I’m enjoying my time in Iowa. I enjoy it because of how much open land exists and how little there is to do here. And yet, there are bits and pieces of interesting places to see and delicious food to eat. But there’s so little to do here that no one is trying to get me to “get out there” and do more. People for the most part are helpful and pleasant but at the same time they leave me alone. And I like that.
Being in Iowa has given me a new awareness and a new appreciation for life and living and moving forward and letting go and the rhythms and patterns of life that most days, even when my life feels slow, I still feel like I’m swimming with the current as opposed to against it. It all feels good.
I think the best part of coming to Iowa has much to do with the realizations leading up to coming here. For some reason, everything started to compound and i felt this huge urge to just release it once and for all. And it started by taking a glimpse of the events that transpired in 2010 and it took me all the way back to my life in middle school. I had so many flashbacks, so many beliefs that came into the forefront that were holding me back from going forward in my life. It was crazy. I hadn’t realized any of it before. I was shocked. I found myself marveling and crying. A shift was going in my brain as old beliefs were coming up and showing me the influence they had on my life up until this point.
Around that time, I got a flash of insight and decided to look up the Universal Laws. I had knowingly encountered some of them before (The law of rhythm, the law of vibration, the law of correspondence, the law of gender). But there were others that I had struggled with (the law of polarity, the law of belief systems). But as my beliefs and events that led to these beliefs continued to show up and to make themselves known, I found myself needing to make a change in order for me to go on. It was pressing. The weight of it all led to me doing a lot of confessing because the need to transform my experiences into light became imperative. I didn’t want to stay in the darkness of my comfort zone anymore and I had found a way forward.
I think God had provided that way forward for me many times but back then I was too scared to take it because I didn’t trust myself. Ideas like to go forward would mean that I would never find true love or that transforming one’s perception and to look at the good and the highest potential of oneself and others (as opposed to trying to keep a neutral air about everything) was to be delusional. Staying neutral was safe. Transforming, raising one’s vibration, branching out on my own, was not. But I had to take the risk. Staying in the ancient, familiar way of living and thinking and being became boring, cyclic (I kept thinking, “Ugh! I already know this) and the idea that “I can do better” just kept coming up. Surprisingly, the idea of trusting oneself hardly came up during that time and I think it’s because I had finally learned my lesson on that matter. It felt like a no brainer. lol
Nowadays, I pay complete attention to myself. I’m not really concerned with not finding things like true love (romantic love in this context), nor am I concerned about whether or not I’m crazy or if the world is crazy or if my spiritual growth is recognized and acknowledged. I know I’m a good person. I know that I belong here (even if I don’t always feel like I do). The most drastic change in my transformation has been that overnight, my desire for fast food and junk food turned off. I have an aversion to it (and get stomach cramps and diarrhea if I consume it) and prefer to eat fruits, soups, toast, bananas, and often only one meal a day. I drink a lot of water now. I take a bottle everywhere if I can.
Right now, I’m just enjoying this new phase of my life, taking it all in, and trying to learn as much as I can and share whenever possible.