Uncategorized

Observing The “Monkey Mind”

I’ve been gone for a while. I know. But I never stopped writing. I’ve just been finding my core and purpose in my life again. The last few years has felt like one very long “phase” where I’ve had to find balance and surrender. As someone who learned long ago about the power of manifestation (without really knowing the words), letting go hasn’t been easy for me and for a long time I lost my way, constantly fighting with myself.

I use to think that I had to constantly act on life in order to make things how I want them to be. There were so many ideas that I carried that kept me in situations that I don’t necessarily want or even really need to be in. Through meditation, I’ve observed so much about myself, many of which I’ve kept a journal on, but that I will not transcribe here. But one thing I did observe was my desire to constantly want to exert my own power on life instead of allowing the Divine to work through me.

I’ve been observing the way in which my ego mind continues to attempt to maintain control by sending images that create fear in me. It morphs. It attempts to distract me, to show me the ways in which I need it. Yesterday, it sent me images that exerted the need for testing and bill paying saying what am I going to do if it didn’t remind me? How would I remain out of debt and continue my benefits if it didn’t exert its pressure? It tried to justify the need to constantly be in a state of action and doing. I was tempted to react, especially as my heart began to race with all the images it sent me. But I chose to sit and observe.

Personal Development, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Letting Go of Attachment to Institutions

institution
from uni-log.org

Over the last few months, I’ve been having a growing dissatisfaction with my career and specialty. It hit an all time high two weeks ago. So I packed my bags and went to Trinidad. I needed to get away. Something about my life felt very unnatural. When I came back from Trinidad and returned to work, the feeling compounded. I’ve been trying to understand this. Why do I always start something with huge amounts of enthusiasm only to hate it 3-4 months later? This is my pattern. Tennis, Track, Field hockey, Travel nursing, Med surg, Nursing school, Nursing, middle school, high school, I always start off super excited only to find myself despising what I do later and wanting to quit. Now it’s the NICU. “I’m so over it”.

I keep saying that that these experiences make me feel institutionalized and unnatural. I certainly don’t feel free. There’s so many rules, so many expectations on how I’m suppose to act or say or do or dress. In nursing, many hospitals make it so that you HAVE to say specific things to your patients. You have a mantra you have to repeat and it’s so robotic. Sometimes in social settings within these organizations, there’s the expectation that one has to be a certain way in order to fit. What about my creativity? What about my freedom?

This has always been something I struggle with. Not feeling like I belong in any particular institution or system and knowing that I’m an outcast, even when I have a good relationship with everyone else there. I keep coming back, hoping something will change within them, that maybe I’ll find a mainstream system that works for me and allows me to contribute while still feeling natural. But once again, I feel like I’m being asked to let go.

 

 

 

 

Personal Development, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Take Ownership of Your Soul

finding-your-true-self-or-authentic-self

The thing about ourselves is that our real selves is not one giant bundle of good traits. Coming face to face with who you are, you discover that it’s not always this perfect tapestry of pure goodness and beauty. I know we all want to believe that we are, but we aren’t. We’re multifaceted. Who I am is a full array of many things and while they’re not all good, I don’t consider myself a “bad” person.

Recently, I renounced my vows to follow a certain prescribed spiritual path while refusing to take up another. Why? Because I discovered that doing so was necessary in order to grow and to embrace myself in its entirety. It came down to ownership. I don’t want to have anyone or anything controlling me anymore. And I felt as though spirituality as I knew it and defined it was holding me back. I felt trapped because I found myself changing and yet unable to truly embrace those changes because the old me and the old ideas I carried limited that growth. Example: Lately, I’ve found myself wanting to be a part of this world and to engage in it with much focus, to learn from it. But because of my old ideas and desire to “leave” this world (because that’s what you do when you’re ‘spiritual’ and ‘evolving’), it felt like I was pushing against the grain in order to do what I wanted to do. It felt like my intuition and I were no longer in sync and I think it’s because my intuition and I really weren’t in sync. Intuition is not always right. Honestly, I think my intuition was trying to guide me in the direction of my old desires and was not focused on helping me embrace the new, undiscovered, untouched, sides of myself. It just felt like everything in my life was geared towards sacrifice, lowliness, and servitude, ideas which no longer align with what I believe and feel to be absolute truth in my heart (though on some level still a part of who I am). I felt like there was more to life than this. And there is.

The truth is that while I have found “spirituality” as many know it, to be entertaining and enlightening, it’s not one dimensional. I need to do this my own way. For one thing, I want sex, not to sit in deep meditation, or to go inward to discover who I am. I’m listening to my body and I feel for sex. The ascetic life, which I had once sought after and held as the gold standard of true growth and spirituality, does not support this. I’m not wrong for wanting sex. But to carry deeply held beliefs about the value and virtue of the ascetic lifestyle over all else is to create a barrier within myself that keeps me from experiencing what I need. A barrier which will keep me from experiencing other aspects of myself and will prevent all sides of me to exist in one life form.

The new me which I am now getting to know is hungry. It knows that while it’s important to trust one’s intuition to listen to one’s heart that neither is always right. And that’s something that not many people today want to acknowledge. Your intuition is not always right. But then again, it’s not about being right. It’s about learning. Which is why I choose focus, determination, and to listen to myself. And if choosing to be my own boss by taking ownership of myself and my soul growth is what I need, then so be it.