Personal Development

Tell The Truth: Day After Mother’s Day

I am chronically angry. In public I smile and say hello, I’m polite, im helpful and I’m nice. But deep inside, I’m angry from years of having it communicated to me that I don’t matter in some way, shape, or form. I’m angry because for years I have been told that in some way I am wrong. This never stopped.

I remember my experience in the NICU where I use to work in DC. All I felt there was anger and distrust. I remember trying to talk to them about what I thought, how I felt, what I needed. Again, it seemed like it was communicated to me that I didn’t matter and I didn’t belong. I tried to stick it out like I always do, forcing myself to stay in situations where I often can feel and know I’m not wanted. Because that’s what the strong girls do right? You don’t let people make you quit your job. But I never worked in a place where I felt so much anger and hostility. Only one and I vowed never to return.

I remember the patient care manager in this NICU. Under the guise of keeping it real she would unleash so many insults, threaten me and say I’d be blacklisted from the hospital for 7 years and that other institutions talk. If she only know how much I had disliked this place. But I didn’t trust them there. I tried and would always be cut off. I felt like I was the outsider and I didn’t belong. And the truth is, I didn’t belong. I didn’t like the energy I felt there or how those who had been there a while would all team up to talk about any newcomers who weren’t exactly like them in some way. I didn’t like that everyone knew each others business and people were constantly gossiping or knew about each other’s personal lives. I wanted out. I used my options.

My family looks at me like I’m a complainer. But the truth is I’m trying to be heard. When I look, I realize that it’s not my ‘family’ I’m angry with. They hurt me for sure. But most of my anger is directed towards my mother for not being the support system I needed as a child. The truth is, since I’ve begun to untangle, I realize that she couldn’t be that support because she still isn’t able to truly support herself emotionally. She’s only now beginning to learn and her voice gets stomped out by the bullies of the family (her two sisters). I realize that all the pain she exacted upon me is what she either had put on her or what she put on herself. She couldn’t do any better. Even when I try to point it out to her, she couldn’t hear me, maybe because as her offspring, my voice didn’t matter if hers didn’t. But that doesn’t make me any less angry. It only makes me hate her more. I can’t imagine seeing my little 10,11,12,13,14,15,16 year old girl cry and hearing her say how her father’s refusal to call her or spend time with her for years even though the two of you are in a relationship makes her feel neglected and abandoned and turning to my daughter and basically blaming her for her absence and neglect. How is she suppose to feel? She felt invalidated and worthless. That’s how she felt. And ended up with a boy who further made her feel invalidated and worthless.

I’m angry because I realize that the little 6, 7, 9, 10 and 13 year old in me mattered just as much as the me I am today does. I’m angry because I realize that I always deserved a voice and was entitled to my own opinion but the grown ups around me didn’t see it that way. I was ‘wild’, I was ‘different’, I was ‘rude’, I was ‘weird’, I was a host of names but these people were not nice and allowed others to do and say not nice things to me. They didn’t allow me to have a voice, they didn’t treat me like I mattered so much as they didn’t want me to make them look bad. Shame. Guilt. Control. That’s what I grew up in.

Grandma, even though I can’t remember a single bad thing about you, I can’t help but feel as though somehow you contributed to the cultivation of all of this. But in my heart, my mother plays the biggest role. I don’t like her. I don’t respect her. Yesterday was mother’s day and I was even more angry with her then than today. Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for her to die so I can finally stop feeling like my very being is wrong and like I don’t matter. She keeps me tied to people who constantly seem to try to make me feel like I’m wrong and don’t matter. Why God why?

Personal Development, Spirituality

The Slow Lane

Dear blog,

As you know, I’ve been meditating a lot more to find my center. I wrote in my diary about discovering my need for meaningful solitude and grounding in my life. What I didn’t expect was discovering in myself my own innate desire to slow down even more, to disengage from the hustle and bustle, and to enjoy a life that is unhurried and eclectic, without labeling myself as lazy for walking my own path and going at my own desired pace.

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Taken from: actcapitaladvisors.com

Grounding means that your spirit is anchored to your physical body as well as the Earth. While attempting to Ground, I was asked in meditation if I wanted to be here. This has always been an obstacle to my grounding, allowing myself to be fully present on Earth and connected to my own body. Answering this question took time for me. As I explored the question, I found that what came up in me was the idea that Grounding meant disconnecting myself from my own Spiritual growth and losing touch with that connectivity to the Divine. Greater still was my own innate fear of experiencing the pain and discomfort that often came from being present and acknowledging the energies around me. Nevertheless, what I realized was Grounding would allow me to do something that I have wanted to do for a long time: reconnect with myself, and would help in reintegrating myself mind, body, and spirit as a whole. Many of us know that it was our choice to be here. Not many of us know that part of Grounding involves some level of wanting to be here. So I wiggled my toes, explored my soul, and discovered that I do want to be here, even if I didn’t want to be in my present situation. I also saw that my present situation was a choice I made, whether conscious or unconscious that I could change.

Through frequent/consistent meditation, I found that what I needed (and what I’ve denied myself for so long) was meaningful solitude. What does that mean? It means taking time away from all of the noise of my daily routine, the hospital, coworkers, workplace drama, and family to sit and look inward, to write, to observe, to pray. When I look inward and ask myself what really matters to me, it’s not work, it’s not money, it’s not coworkers or work place drama, or whether or not I’m liked or “productive”. I’m aware of what my ego mind says, “What would happen if I didn’t tell you all the things you have to DO?” But what I found was the desire to go at a slower pace, to truly take time to savor life, to enjoy it, all while undergoing my own transformation.

I just want to do what feels right in my heart and soul. 

Sometimes I think that if I could go back and redo life I’d come back solely as a freelance writer because words are my chosen form of artistic expression. I currently lead a work life that I’d like to walk away from. I can’t take anymore noise. I need peace. I dropped down to part time work recently but my soul would like to leave the hospital setting altogether. I can’t take it anymore. Everything in me as been pulling away from it over the years and now I find myself on my last leg as my soul continues to want to move away from the crazy and towards the beauty and solitude of doing only what feels good and right in one’s own heart. I’ve asked God about this. I’ve meditated on this. It truly is time to close the door on this chapter of my life as I continue on in the process of Surrender.

My heart and soul currently choose to walk a path that may be deemed A Life In the Slow Lane.

 

 

 

 

Musings

Stop

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Sometimes, when we reach a point where we don’t know where we are going, it’s best to just stop. 

I’ve been using the suggestions in Dina Glouberman’s book “The Joy of Burnout” and one of the suggestions included visualizing yourself having a conversation with Life. I invited Life to join me for a cup of tea. We sat across from each other and I asked Life, “Why do you always feel like a constant uphill battle? Why, over the last several years have I had to work so hard?” And Life said, “Because you believed that you had to prove your strength, you constantly sought out challenges and obstacles to overcome. You ignored everything that came easily for you, calling it undeserved, and opted instead to go after what required struggle.” 

Life is right. My Ego has been addicted to struggle.In addition to that, I’ve been stubborn. I could feel in my heart and soul when something wasn’t right for me and yet I continued to fight for it because of the investments I had made. Long after my soul withdrew it’s energy, leaving me to my own devices, I’d continue to trudge on. And that’s Burnout: When your will alone can no longer continue down a road you already knew was the wrong one. 

Last night, after returning to the present, committing myself to the truth, and agreeing to listen to my heart and soul regardless of the cost, I had another “anxiety-like attack”. It usually feels like my core is shaken. I wanted to know why this happened. Why the anxiety-like attacks. What is the fear? The answer I got was: I‘ve committed yourself to living the truth and listening to your heart and soul. I’m scared of being wrong, but I can’t and don’t want to go back to the girl I use to be. That said, I go back to work on Thursday and most of all, I’m afraid of regressing. I’m scared of regressing and going back to listening to my fears, doubts, and the opinions of others. I want to continue living from my core, living from my heart and soul because there is no joy in the way I use to live anymore. Nevertheless, my core is still shaken.

I wish I could guarantee that the choices I have made for myself would yield better results but I can’t say that anymore. I don’t know where I’m going. So I’ve stopped and have been waiting with myself. Thursday will get here when it gets here. All I’ve done is all I can do. I’ve exhausted who I was and all I can do is just be. Now.