By grace I am still alive. By grace I keep moving. I cry at the drop of a hat these last few days, realizing so much about myself and the way in which I view the world. I want to know what it means see self-love in action. One of the things I know is that I like myself. I think I carry some really great attributes and that I put in the effort to be the best person I can be and to develop myself. I like me. I care enough about myself to keep going and I enjoy my own company. But I feel like in the past I have done the right things for the wrong reasons.
To love oneself is to be happy with the person you are, to celebrate who you are, to feel a sense of completeness in your own being, because you exist. Not because you are expecting some sort of reward or social recognition by doing so. To love oneself means to look at myself in the mirror and allow myself to see who I truly am and to appreciate what’s staring back at me in the mirror because what I see is beautiful. It means to really see myself and love her as a beautiful reflection of the Divine from a place of knowing, not expecting others in the world to validate this knowledge.
I’d like to focus on self-love.
I have been trying to learn what is true of me and what isn’t. I have learned that I am not as quiet as I make myself seem, that this was a part of a self I created to fit in with a seemingly harsh world.
Another thing I have come to realize is that when I try to control everything, I am not living in the moment. I am not seeing clearly, I exhaust myself, and I suffer.
Last week in counseling I created a circle around myself using yarn to demonstrate my boundary. I learned that I have not been true to my boundary. I have been feeling crushed, stifled, suffocated, exhausted constantly as my boundaries are pushed, squeezed, overstepped. I took a break from my family this week to better discover what is true for me vs. What I have taken in from them. I’ve been telling the the raw, honest truth and allowing the chips to fall where they may.
Today, I am miserable. I have a boyfriend who wants mostly to smoke weed and play world of warcraft. As he enters his own world to play this game he almost seems to forget I am in the room for hours. This is hurtful to me. I have family who exhaust me. I don’t have a home to call my own. I failed a grad school class and will have to retake it. I wish I cared more about this. But what I care about most is that I don’t know what is real of me right now. For years I was sure that the me I was becoming was the real me. Was true. But it was a form of self deception. It was an illusion. I was imitating someone else. I didn’t even realize it. This is what was stripped away from me some years back. The ability to live in the illusion and feel happy or content.
I am going to continue to tell the truth to myself as I live in the present moment and work to unravel and uproot that which is false within me. I am committed to the truth, even if what uproots is ugly. I am sorry to all those I offend along the way of uprooting the lies that I have carried in my bosom all these years. But this is my blog and my place of healing. This is where the truth must be told.