I want others to acknowledge me as positive. As a result, sometimes I say things in a voice that isn’t always indicative of how I really feel. If I am angry, I might lie and say I am not. Because to feel anger is not what I judged to be positive. If I feel my boundaries have been crossed, I might not say anything, simply hold my breath and pray that it stops. If I dislike the energy of a place, I might not say so but instead turn that onto myself and ask if something is wrong with me. It took me a long time to admit I disliked working, living, being in Washington, DC. Never liked it there for myself. But I never admitted this to myself or others. I never said a word. Just kept pushing through and trudging on. I kept hearing my mother’s words in the back of my head from when I was a child. “Be strong”.
And so I tried to be. And ‘Be strong’ became ‘Hang in there’, ‘suck it up’, until one day I had no choice BUT to admit to myself that I was burnt the off out! lol
I think God wanted me to go back to DC. I think God allowed me to go work in that NICU and experience the madness of the personalities I dealt with there, the anger, the rage, the attitudes, because He wanted me to see and know beyond a doubt that that was not the place for me. I was not welcome there. And I do not miss it. Sometimes I ask why did I have to go through half the hell I went through in recent years. Really. Why all the pain? But when I look, I see it was the inability to be honest with myself, to acknowledge the truth and to trust the truth when it hit me right in the chest! This is why I changed the name of my blog. Because I understand now that value of telling the truth! The diehard, sometime ugly, sometimes painful, sometimes not so positive, ‘what I want to hear’ truth! So here it is.
I am angry. I have been angry for many years. I am angry because I have been hurt. I am angry because I allowed myself to believe lies, to allow people to deceive me. I am angry because I engaged in many forms of self-deception throughout the years and as a result continued down a path that allowed me to continue to be hurt. I am angry because I tried to appear light and care-free about things that mattered to me. I am angry because I didn’t recognize that I mattered and as a result I allowed others to take advantage of me, to abuse me, to lie to me, to manipulate me, to tell me lies and allowed myself to believe them. This anger turned inward became resentment. This resentment led to a heavy weight on my chest, weight gain, depression, exhaustion, and more anger. I am angry because I allowed myself to believe that my quest to belong, to be accepted and to feel loved, was really a quest to understand who I am. My belief was that those who follow a spiritual path would be loved and accepted by more. I expected to have more friends, be more beautiful, have more support, feel a greater sense of belonging. I am angry because the truth is that I didn’t do all of this work specifically for me. Subconsciously, I did it for others. I am angry.
The truth is that I never fully took the time to figure out who I am while not in alignment with some other person’s truth. By that I mean, I never took the time to validate myself. That is why I started this process. Validation seeking. I wanted to know that there wasn’t anything inherently ‘wrong’ with me. I wanted to know that I wasn’t inherently ‘bad’ and that others in my world weren’t mistreating me or hurting me as a result of my inherent badness. When I ask people if I’m ‘wrong’, I’m not just asking others if what I said was wrong. I’m usually asking on some core level if I am wrong. And if I am wrong, I want to know why. How can I fix it? How can I improve? How can I cleanse myself of my inherent ‘wrongness’? The truth is, I think I associate painful events happening with my own inherent badness. The truth is that on some level I think God is punishing me and I’ve been trying to get on His good side ever since. Because if I were inherently ‘good’ then good things would happen. I’d have friends, I’d lose weight and tone up, I’d be happier, people would be more supportive of me, I’d have a better work experience and more doors would open up, and everything I want would come to me. The truth is that for some reason which I am not quite sure of I have some core belief of my own badness. As a result, I don’t think I truly trust that God has my best interest at heart.
I think somehow, some belief at my core is that God is punishing me; thus, why trust a being who made me in His image and yet somehow is punishing me for being inherently bad and wrong? I’ve been trying to prove that I am a ‘good girl’ for as long as I can remember. Yet I feel as though God is often on the lookout for my own inherent badness. I can’t fully trust God and as a result my prayers are often made with caution. I am often reluctant to pray for anything good because I think God wants to give me something bad or unleash more pain in my life. And this makes me angry. I try to control a lot of situations in my life and as a result my shoulders have gotten tight and I feel pain in them because I am trying desperately to minimize the pain that I think life or God is trying to make me go through. Even though I learned that suffering isn’t necessary for growth, I often think that God wants me to suffer nonetheless. This makes me scared, angry and distrustful of Him.
Somewhere in my core are these beliefs about who I am and who/what God is. And even though I encountered the Divine, who felt and is an all-loving entity, I cry, I fear, I distrust, because I still suffered after encountering Him, because I didn’t get everything I wanted and worked for, my truth didn’t quite align with the truth of those in my immediate surroundings, and I still sought validation of my own ‘inherent goodness’ from others.
I wanted to be recognized and valued as something beautiful, wonderful, and special. The way I hear others speak and affirm others as something beautiful, wonderful and special. In my life, that seldom felt like my experience. My experience is that others often look for ways to tear me down, manipulate me, lie to me, control me, embarrass me, compete with me, or show me up. My experience has been that others do not like me, do not want me around, and do not treat me as a valued and respected member of society. This made me hide and retreat inward and away from others. I became afraid of them because I didn’t want to feel persecuted for what seemed to be that just being who I am was wrong. They always say ‘just be yourself’. I didn’t realize that it meant others would talk about you, ridicule you, persecute you, or try to make you feel bad about who you are and what you’re doing.
My experience has been that even when you aren’t really doing anything wrong, others will try to make you feel as though who you are and what you’re doing is wrong. My experience has been that people will mistreat you and others will take their side in the injustice.
I’m looking to give myself compassion. I have beaten myself up while attempting to offer others forgiveness and compassion. But I have not been compassionate to myself. Over the years I have judged myself very harshly as being inherently ‘wrong’, and inherently ‘bad’ all while trying to prove my innate goodness.